You’ll need a form for that. And a credit card.

I ordered my medical records last week from our former fertility clinic. Now this might sound easy, but it’s not, because it involves the medical industry.

The first thing I did was go to their web site to see if I could find the Request for Medical Records form. I could not. I think it’s because they don’t want you to know what happened to you. Or they don’t want you to switch clinics. I did both at one time, but I’ll tell you about that later. But this week I’m requesting my medical records for a second time. Yeah, that’s right. I bet you wish you could be this badass, but you’re not, so let’s move on.

I did, however, find some forms on the site that piqued my interest. There was a “baggage information” form. I totally could have used that one. I have a lot of baggage, which might explain why I waited until I was 36 years old to try to have kids. Then there was a frequent flier form. Who is traveling? The sperm? I thought they only sent that stuff FedEx. But maybe really important sperm travel First Class. No? Oh. It’s the wanna-be-parents that do the traveling and apparently the clinic also does a little side business as a travel agent. Who knew? Well, not me. See, we’re learning something already.

So I called the clinic and talked to a sweet, helpful and undoubtedly incredibly fertile 18-year-old, who e-mailed me the form right away. They must have retired their our-patients-are-idiots customer service motto that they used when I was a regular.

I printed the form and filled it out. Then I faxed it to them using our office fax machine, which always makes me a little nervous. I would hate for someone to innocently pick up the forgotten fax confirmation form only to find out that I was ordering information about whether I have AIDS (I hope not, but I am gay) and whether they found any illegal drugs in my system (Again, I hope not, but if they did that would explain A LOT). Both of these helpful pieces of information will be included with my records if I checked both boxes that are in bold and right in the middle of the form so you and all your co-workers will not miss them. And of course, I checked them!

Also according to the Request for Medical Information form, it will take three weeks for the records to be photocopied and mailed to me, and it will cost 10 cents a page. I have my credit card, ready, which is the main thing you need to have ready whenever you make a request of a fertility clinic. In fact, I would have one ready right now just in case they decide to charge us for using the word “fertility clinic.”

So, why am I requesting my medical records? Did I forget to mention that part. It’s to help me to get on with this story. What story? The one I plan to share here, starting now, and ending when I’m done telling you about the Seven Little Mexicans that started as 11 eggs retrieved from two ovaries, which became seven zygotes and resulted in two wonderful children. (Girls. Yes, girls. Why does everyone ask that question?)

It’s been a long journey. And although I was there, I’m not sure I was really there. So we are going back to this time and place together to see what we can find out. Are you with me?

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