I love my dog, but not like that

I would be remiss to leave the discussion about dogs without mentioning that every once in a while someone asks me if I want to marry one. Now, fortunately, this doesn’t happen much anymore, because thanks to the on-going, public debate about gay marriage, people are beginning to realize that gay people want to marry other people, not animals.

But let’s go back there for just a minute. Back to the water-colored memories of sitting in a bar on a Friday afternoon having a really awkward conversation with one of Pam’s former co-workers. And, as usual, it starts something like this.

“If we let gay people get married, then where do we draw the line? Do we let people marry their pets?”

In case you don’t have time to read this entire post, let me give you the straight-forward answer. We draw the line at people.

I know it’s confusing. There are people, and then there are animals. And some animals are pretty great. Really great. We love them so much. I love them so much. But I don’t want to marry them. I really, really loved our dog Kitty Butler. She even had a gay name, but I still didn’t want to marry her.

So when someone asks this question: “If we let gay people marry, where do we draw the line blah, blah, blah?”

My first thought is usually, do you have any pets? Because I do and they would make a terrible spouse. Please, allow me to elaborate.

1. My dog does not have a job. I want to marry up, people. Or at least marry someone who can pull their weight around the house. Every dog I have ever owned sits around all day, mostly sleeping, and then acts irritated when I bother them. Now I realize that this might make them seem like a spouse. But they are not watching TV or drinking beer. They are an animal. You can tell if you look at their butt. They have a tail or usually the remnants of one. But I digress.

2. My dog does not sleep in my bed. Oooops. Nevermind. Skip that argument.

3. I do not want to have sex with my dog. That’s it. I know some people do. In fact, the other day, while walking our dog, this homeless guy hit on my dog. He walked up to us, started acting flirtatious (I think that’s what he was doing… or he had an eye tick) and said, “Hey baby, I have all my vaccinations.” As a responsible pet owner, I think it is my job to protect my dog from people who want to have sex with her, so we ignored him and kept walking. And that’s all I’m going to say on this topic, because this is not that kind of web site, and I’m not that kind of girl, even though I’m gay, and I know that’s confusing.

4. My dog sucks at heart-felt conversation. She can’t talk. She can only groan or bark. Neither of these verbalizations make me feel loved or cared for in the way that I truly desire. I do not feel truly heard when I talk to my dog. Unless I say “Do you want your dinner?” or “Do you want to go for a walk?” Then, I have her full attention. But this also just makes me feel used.

5. We are not equals (me and my dog). Man and woman. Woman and woman. Man and man. Intersex, hermaphrodites and any of the previously mentioned. No matter the combination, I believe a marriage should be the joining of equals. Please note I didn’t say fair. But equal. And maybe I’m an animal racist jerk, but my dog is not my equal. I have thumbs. She does not. I read books. She can catch a squirrel with her bare hands. Ooops, I mean teeth. Well, maybe that makes us equally cool. But I think we would be hard-pressed to say that she has the same potential that I have. See heart-felt conversation above. I’m still holding out hope that I’ll be really good at that. I don’t think she ever will be.

So I hope that clears it up. Gay people want to marry other gay people. Or hey, if gay people want to marry straight people, that’s fine, too. You can double the size of your wardrobe and you can share a locker at the gym to save money. That alone, should make it more appealing than straight marriage. But you would not be able to do these things with your dog. So don’t marry him.

P.S. Still no medical records.


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3 thoughts on “I love my dog, but not like that

  1. I get your essay. I like my dog too and I’m hetero. Even though he’s a neutered male. And my knee likes him too, I think because he doesn’t hit on it.

    But I have a question for G’s and L’s. Now first some background. ever since I was a little boy they would not let me into the women’s locker room. i suppose ’cause I’d stare at all the people there had things like my Mom had, and I don’t. But if a gay guy is let into the men’s locker room isn’t he getting a chance to stare. Not fair.
    Here’s my question. Shouldn’t gay men dress in the women’s locker room?

  2. No, thank you. 1. Life is not fair. 2. I think we’re shooting for what makes the most people the most comfortable and that still seems to be single-sex locker rooms. 3. Do you enjoy looking at every naked woman that you see? I haven’t been in your locker room, but is there anything in there worth seeing? (Besides, you, of course!)

  3. This post was brilliant, hilarious, entertaining, and everything in between! Loved it!

    Yah, hard to argue against “People. We draw the line at People”.

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