As a lesbian, you should know what to eat. Besides carpet, obviously.

After last week’s blow-up over pasta, when the CEO of Barilla told an Italian radio station that he prefers straight people to eat his product, I started wondering what DO gay people eat?

I should have looked this up a long time ago, because, as usual, I have been at risk of doing it wrong. And there is a surprising amount of coverage of this topic, but if you are going to do research, I would strongly recommend that you include the word “food” in your search string. Googling “lesbian eating” takes you in an entirely new world of search results that has nothing to do with food.

So, here is what I learned. First, if you are gay man (of course), there is a book about which foods are gay and which are not. Sushi? Totally gay. Mexican food? Not gay at all, which probably explains why I’m a bisexual. I love both. As of yet, it has not turned me into a gay or a straight MAN, but I have gotten close. I once owned a pair of dress shoes, had very short hair, and wore a suit to work. I had no idea that this was caused by too much Mexican food.

To find out what lesbians eat, I had to work a bit harder. But it was worth it, because I really want to maintain my status as a lesbian. And you are what you eat. (Insert oral sex joke here.) Luckily, I found this article, which takes a long time to load but it’s worth the wait because it outlines some foods that lesbians eat.

According to the article, we enjoy salads (Yes!) and farmer’s markets (Not so much. It depends on whether they have funnel cakes.) And more specifically arugula, goat cheese and pear salads. (Majorly YES. Wow. Weird.) Deconstructed California Rolls. Because we must deconstruct everything — especially the California Roll Patriarchy.

So that’s good! I’ve been eating the right gay foods. Whew! And I won’t be eating Barilla, just for the record. Because this brand is my favorite. It’s little pricey. But it is so delicious.

9-29-2013 2-05-38 PM

So white. So creamy. So delicious. Just 10 times the price.

And I did also find this, but you can never trust those Q&A websites like WikiAnswers.

food

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© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

A right of passage involving a bathing suit and a loaf of bread. Otherwise known as junior high.

I believe I have mentioned that I’m writing a book. And if you want to try something hard and confusing, then this is it. So it’s kind of like my life, which is good, because that is what my book is about. My life. Or at least a little section of my life right before we had kids.

Anyway, last night when I was writing, I came across a dusty and water-colored memory that I wanted to share with you. Because it makes no sense to me, in part because it has both dust and water on it, which usually makes mud.

I was thinking about junior high. Yes. This, too, is a bad idea. And I was drinking vodka, which in spite of being a clear alcohol, never really makes anything more clear. But on with the story.

In physical education in junior high, we used to have swimming class once every so often. It was not on a regularly scheduled day, at least not that I could tell, so that added an element of surprise to the whole thing — sort of like Sacha Baron Cohen dropping from the ceiling onto your head.  And the girls in the class were not allowed to swim if we were having our period. And we were all issued a bathing suit by the school. It was like a school uniform in that it was navy blue, but it was not like a school uniform in that it was a bathing suit.

So, on this one sacred and powerful day of the month, I went to swimming class where we lined up in front of a desk to check in and get a suit. And since I was in possession of menstrual blood, I was not allowed in the pool and had been instructed to tell the teacher that I was “off floor.” This term was code for “standing around in the pool area in a bathing suit wearing a huge sanitary napkin that feels like a loaf of bread between your legs hoping that a velociraptor will show up and start eating people so at least a few people would forget about your sanitary napkin.”

junior high bathing suit + period = public humilitation

And really this story has no point, except that I was completely traumatized, and I thought someone should know about this tragedy. And because it didn’t fit in the book in any way. At least not yet. And most important of all, why is it called OFF FLOOR? What does that mean? I was on the floor by the pool. I remember it well. It was made of those tiny waterproof tiles that are all over including on the walls and in the pool. Why couldn’t they just call it “out of the pool?” Or “unavailable.” She’s unavailable, wink, nod, check out the loaf of bread. And why did I have to wear a bathing suit, if I wasn’t going to swim? And seriously, who would let their child these days wear a bathing suit that was owned by the school? This is tax dollars at work, people. Or at least it was.

So, help, seriously. This is really weird, right? Please tell me something equally weird happened to you in junior high. Tell me! There is a comments section below for that. Write something!

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I am the South Pole and other scientific facts.

I think I just found the best thing on the internet. A university student in Nigeria has found irrefutable, scientific proof that gay marriage is wrong. How did he do it? Magnets. Yes, I know. For years, we have been overlooking this understated household object which could have been acting as our moral compass (because it’s a magnet) for this entire time. Possibly forever, because I think that’s how long magnetic fields last.

 

 

 

Here is a direct quote from his research, from Pink News: “A bar magnet is a horizontal magnet that has the North Pole and the South Pole and when you bring two bar magnets with a North Pole together you find that the two North Poles will not attract. They will repel, that is, they will push away themselves showing that a man should not attract a man.”

And then, he goes on to say that women are like the south pole of the magnet and two south poles repel each other, as well.

So, I have given this some thought. And in addition to being very relieved to finally find my place on the periodic table of elements, I want to personally thank this guy for pointing out other things that I was not aware of about myself. In other words, other ways that I am like a magnet.

1. I cannot stay away from the fridge. It is like a huge force field in my life that is impossible to resist.

2. This explains the whole wanting to go to college in Canada thing. It’s north, which I was attracted to because I am the south pole of the magnet.

3. And probably the most important discovery: This completely explains why I’m not a chick magnet, which is somewhat devastating. But at least now I know why girls aren’t falling all over me. And sometimes dudes hit on me, instead. It’s because they can’t help it. Opposite forces attract.

And I would like to fix this whole chick magnet thing by working on my hair, but I can’t decide on a style. But I think this will help. And it involves magnets, which I now feel very passionate about. You can get your own, right here, but only if you live in the UK, which is where all the cool chicks are anyway.

wor003_design_a_beaver_1

But if you’re not ready to be a chick magnet or you are perfectly happy with your pubes, you can buy one of these magnets, instead. It’s practically guaranteed to turn you into a chick magnet, at least for little chicks that take constant naps and need endless diaper changes.

twowoman_twobabies

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Some rules about same-sex adoption. Or just skip to the end and find out where you are illegal.

I’m not sure why, but I’m in the mood to be especially helpful this week. So I’m providing you with the map below. Actually, wikipedia is providing it to you. I just copied it. But this is the internet, and it’s totally fine to steal content on the internet. It’s called “going viral.”

Anyway. The map is a picture of all the places in the world that same-sex couples can legally adopt a child together or adopt each other’s biological children.

Oh? Did I not mention that part so far?

Well, here is the deal. If you are part of a same-sex couple, you have one of two problems — too many vaginas or too many penises. I know it’s hard to imagine such a thing as too many penises. But try. And in my case, there were too many vaginas and as a result the baby could only come out of one vagina and the owner of the other vagina needed to adopt. At least, that’s my opinion, because I wanted Pam to be able to keep our children. And sign them up for school and take them to the doctor, because I had already done my part — birthing them.

And just to make sure we have covered all the bases, if there are too many penises in the relationship — again hard to imagine — but then there is no vagina for the baby to come out of. So my recommendation would be that both of the penis owners adopt.

And now that we’re all clear on that, here is the map.

same-sex adoption worldwide

Check it out. The places that are colored lavender (of course!) in the map are the only places in the world that same-sex couples can adopt children. And in case you haven’t already figured this out on your own, it’s super-duper important for same-sex couples to be able to adopt children.

Why?

Because in spite of how much complaining we all do about our kids, most of us agree that we definitely do not want them taken away from us like one Russian lawmaker is proposing to do. Or in contrast, in my lovely state, where Colorado Speaker of the House Mark Ferrandino, just adopted his daughter with his partner, Greg Wertsch. Adorbs! Why wouldn’t we want these people to be together?

And here is a lot more helpful information. Because it’s just that kind of week.

ACLU’s details same-sex adoption laws in the U.S. 

A really helpful Q&A site for U.S. adoptions

Lots of details about same-sex adoption in every country in the world

And last, but not least, find out if you are illegal in any country in the world

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You people have some weird questions. And we have some answers, so don’t ever stop.

If you are going to take yourself seriously as a blogger, which I am not, then it’s important to have a look at the search terms that people are using to find your site. So, we had a look. And some of it is disturbing, but you people need answers and that is why we’re here.

The first and most important question on the list:

“Is it safe to put wine in your vagina?”

Probably. But I’m not a doctor, so don’t sue me if it’s not safe. But I would recommend that you just drink it. It’s so much easier. If you’re in a hurry or just clumsy, there is no need to get a glass. You can drink it right from that long, thin neck at the top. It fits perfectly in your mouth and possibly your vagina. But I’m almost certain that you’ll enjoy the taste more, if you use your mouth.

Let’s move on to the second question:

“Can a cat be a sex offender?”

Yes. I think so, depending on the cat, of course. Here is a picture of one:

catconvict

Do you see the smug smile? Cats don’t feel guilty about anything, and they don’t care if you punish them, so they are the most dangerous type of criminals. This cat has been sentenced to 10 years of having water sprayed in his face, I hope. Because he is in the clink for manipulating two children who were left home alone into playing with his Things. 

And the last question I have time to answer today:

“What kind of animal would men want to marry?”

This is the toughest, because although I know a few married men, I doubt they are reading this blog. And I don’t want to offend any of my married, male friends by suggesting they would give up their wife for an animal, so we’re just going to have to wing it on this one.

However, if men did want to marry an animal, I’m guess they would want to marry a dog. Dogs like to gulp down their food, lie around in piles of clean laundry and go outside to sniff gross stuff and intermittently roll in it. It sounds like a football game or something, doesn’t it? And men, like football, right? And bonus, dogs fetch stuff and eat dirty socks, so you don’t have to make more piles of clean laundry for them to lie in.

Side note: You cannot legally marry any animals in the U.S. However, since gay marriage is gaining popularity, soon it may be possible to marry animals, at least according to the detractors of gay marriage. But I’m not in favor of marrying animals, no matter what your man wants to do. So, I’m out. But you knew that. What I mean is I’m done. For today.

But keep sending your questions. If I can’t answer them at least I can be thankful that someone is thinking to ask these things. We need you — the scientists, the explorers, the philosophers and the Googlers of the world. Keep it up!

Here are more of the questions that you asked, in case you can help me find some of the answers. And yes, the top 10 are probably me searching for myself on the internet, because clearly I am lost. 

google search

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The second gayest thing I have ever done

Next month, I’m going to the first GayLesbianBisexualTransgenderQueerSocialMedia conference ever. At first, I thought it was the gayest thing that I have ever done. And then my lovely partner of 14 years pointed out that having her for my lovely partner of 14 years is probably the gayest thing that I have ever done. Excellent point! You can see why I picked her. She is very smart.

Anyway. I’ll be there, at the conference. I’m excited! Because I have a new business card to give to everyone. And it has my new title on it! I got promoted. Here it is:

bizcard

Did you see that? Yes. My phone number is missing. If you want it, and I know you do, you’ll have to come to the conference. It’s like a scratch off game. And the prize will be texts like this:

textmessage

You can teach me how to dress myself. Because I need help.

So come! To the conference! It will be really gay, I promise.

And thanks a lot to all the people who helped to get me there, including The Other Sarah (Steiner), who mostly does everything and stops me from making more of a fool of myself, Kris Scott, who made the original logo for this site and the card, The Other Other Sarah (Wyble) who is just generally awesome and is working on a viral super storm for this site. And my family, of course, who tolerates all of this public embarrassment.

This isn’t the Grammys (yet), so I’ll stop myself there, no need to cue the exit music. But it is the FIRST GAYEST SOCIAL MEDIA CONFERENCE EVER, so cue some other exciting music instead!  I look forward to giving you my digits.

PLEASE NOTE: If you can’t go, soothe yourself with the knowledge that though you will miss out on special fashion-related texts from me, you can still always find me on our 7LM facebook page, sharing equally special moments like this one:

noseradar

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Our irrational wedding, part 1: the dress

We are getting married. I have to keep saying it out loud. And not because I’m at a march on the Capitol and people are watching, but because otherwise it might not happen.

Here’s why: It’s irrational. At least it is according to Cardinal George from the Catholic Church. And I agree, if what he means is planning a wedding is irrational. But for now let’s focus on just one part of the whole irrational venture – the dress. Please help me understand why I would spend thousands of dollars on something lovely and uncomfortable that I will wear for a few hours on only one day of my life?

So here is what I’m thinking. I will get a dress made out of toilet paper. For real. It’s been done. This designer, Carol Touchstone, did it using 20 rolls of toilet paper. And think about how rational it is!!

Once you have the dress on you can't move, because it tears, which is totally fine because I can't move in heels anyway.

Once you have the dress on you can’t move, because it tears, which is totally fine because I can’t move in heels anyway.

1. The materials are inexpensive and freely available.

2. I could get even get recycled toilet paper to make it environmentally friendly, although that would double the price and halve the durability.

3. If (and by “if” I mean “when”) I start crying and sweating freely, I could discreetly blot my eyes, nose, armpits or what-have-you with my veil.

4. The guests could borrow some of my train if we run out TP in the bathrooms.

5. And my kids, who are both potty-trained now, would use up the dress in a matter of days after the wedding.

The only down side might be that if too much of the toilet paper gets “borrowed” while I’m at the actual wedding, I’ll be standing around with just a few squares left, which means I will need to select my underwear very wisely. But this is a lesbian wedding, so people will expect women to be running around in lingerie. Maybe not middle-aged women, but I can hire some catering staff who are older than me and who can also wear lingerie, so I won’t be so obvious. And I’m sure my kids will be perfectly happy to wear underwear and toilet paper, because that is pretty much a normal day around our house.

So, good. We have plan for the dress. And it’s rational. Let me make a quick call to Cardinal George so he can stop worrying about this. He will be so relieved!

badpose

Trying to look just like the model, but modeling is way harder than it looks! But this is probably what I’ll look like at the actual wedding.

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