Look for me, I’ll be dressed as a lesbian.

It’s Halloween. You probably noticed. And in case you’re wondering, I will be dressed up as a lesbian. And I’ll be hanging out with a cross-dressing Mickey Mouse and a Rock Star Ariel – because a regular, old princess mermaid just doesn’t cut it these days. My lovely spouse will be joining us, and I believe she will also be dressed as a lesbian. A warmly dressed one, undoubtedly.

I think we’ll make a great crew. And if it works out, maybe we’ll start a girl band. Feel free to suggest some band names in the comments.

And this brings me to my next point. How do you dress as a lesbian for Halloween? Let me tell you, because I learned this in high school French class from a very pretty, popular girl who was sitting behind me. Let’s call her T.

Me: What are you going to dress up as for Halloween?

T: A lesbian.

Me: Oh, how are you going to do that?

T: I’m going to wear a tight black leotard and cover myself with lipstick kisses.

Me: Wow. Hmmm.

Here is a life-size reproduction of what this probably looked like:

mani-tard

And it’s a bit awkward, because the only thing more uncomfortable than wearing a leotard in public is wearing a leotard in public while propagating your own made-up stereotype about lesbians. That and she is practically an adult going Trick-or-Treating with an jack-o-lantern candy bucket.

But, THIS CHICK IS GORGEOUS! And covered in kisses. So now you know why I turned gay.

Happy Halloween!

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© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Are you looking for that special gift for that special gay? And by that I mean me.

The holidays are coming. If you went to Costco last summer, you know this. There is also another important milestone coming soon: My first blogiversary, which is also in December. Or possibly you may want to think about giving a gift for Thanksgiving, because you are so thankful. For what you ask? For me! For this blog. Do I have to spell everything out for you?

And now I bet you are wondering what a lesbian mom would like for Christmas (or Thanksgiving). Nothing too expensive, because I am the spawn of extraordinarily cheap Scottish ancestors. And ideally something homemade or crafty, because I’m a mom and we love that kind of shit. Well, thankfully, Buzzfeed has already done a lot of the work for you by putting together a quick round-up of 18 Items that Every Self-Respecting Lesbian Should Own. 

I know it’s a huge stretch to think of me as self-respecting, but I try. And I most definitely will respect myself a lot more if you shower me with gifts. I’d like take a moment to mention a few of my favorites.

The Rachel Maddow Finger Puppet: I love felt. And I love Rachel Maddow. It’s not just because she’s a lesbian. It’s because she talks about facts. And it just doesn’t get any sexier than that. And besides, if you buy this for me I can tell people I put my finger in her. All around win.

rachelmaddow

Vulva Coin Purse: If you cannot keep your coins in your actual vulva, then why not keep them in this pink purse? It’s practically the same thing and you never have to shave it. You can also pierce it with more pearls and it will never ever hurt. Lovely.

vagina purse

L Word Watch: Wow! This would definitely be a great gift for my blogiversary. A diamond watch for a year of service? That would definitely keep me motivated to keep working here for free. And I would enjoy it much more than a toaster. Or a pen. And in a couple of years it will undoubtedly be an antique since the L Word was on TV at least 100 years ago.

lword watch

So think about it. No pressure. But I do have something for you. It’s a surprise, just like every post on this blog. And just in case any of these gifts make you uncomfortable, feel free to check out the list of Ron Swanson art. He is so cool that he’s practically a lesbian, anyhow.

Special thanks to Lily Hiott-Millis who actually did all the work for this post. How in the God do you find time to do all this shopping? You are most definitely a real woman. (All of these products were found on Etsy.com, which is a completely awesome place to shop for all kinds of art.)

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This is the scratch pad. And frankly, using it kind of hurts, but I can’t help it.

Everyone needs a place to doodle. At least that’s my current working hypothesis. Or possibly, I just need way more warming up and practice before I ACTUALLY do something like write a book.

And since we’re on the topic, here is a totally mind-blowing doodle. This was created by Anthony Weeks DURING a talk that was given by Vikki Reich and Deborah Goldstein at the SalonLGBTQ conference – an event that I can’t stop talking about. Let me say that again just in case you missed it the first time: This was drawn WHILE they talked.

Anthony Weeks

I took exactly two notes and a crappy photograph of this incredible poster, by comparison. But if you can see near the top of the poster, Vikki and Deb were talking about why they blog. This is a great question. This is a question that I ask myself, often. Because it’s sometimes very painful, like biting my nails, which I also do. And it sometimes causes my hands to bleed.

And the more I blog, the more I realize that I’m probably the person getting the absolute most out of this. I know that for a fact, actually, because the stats tell me that I’m my biggest fan. Confession: I sometimes read my own posts 4 or 5 times. Why? Because I can’t remember what happened. And I re-read them to re-experience my life, because I find some posts quite funny and some quite sad. And after I forget about them, they’re funny and sad all over again. It’s kind of like 50 First Dates with myself. And I also do it for all of the same reasons that Deb and Vikki listed.

And really, I do it because I can’t help it. It makes me feel better. Like Deb said: “I need to do this.”  I’ve spent parts of my life “being a writer.” And parts of my life “not being a writer.” And I think that some of the point of this whole pointless life is to write stuff down and try to make sense of it. Or possibly to make nonsense out it, which I also do. And to laugh at it. And cry at it. But it’s also a special sort of hell. A bleeding one. Because good writing for me is like biting my nails. It involves my hands. It’s painful. And it’s only really good when you’re bleeding.

A special thank you to these ladies, who made it happen. Here is the dream team, the organizers, the get-er-done group that organized and executed on the conference. Thank you to Deb Rox (@debontherox), Polly Pagenhart (@lesbiandad), Susan Goldberg (@mamanongrata), Deborah Goldstein (@psandcs), and Vikki Reich (@uppoppedafox).

salon lgbtq

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Sometimes awesome stuff happens on Twitter. And then it gets more awesome in real life.

If you have been following along since last week, you know that last Friday and Saturday I was at the first gay social media conference ever: SalonLGBTQ.  And as promised, it was pretty gay. Or maybe just gay enough. And lots of stuff happened. Way too much to tell you about. So instead of telling you everything, I’m going to tell you about two things. The first one is about a mistake that turned into a gift. And the second thing is also about gifts, but we’ll get to that in Wednesday’s post.

So, about a month ago, this happened on Twitter.

tweet typos

And at first I thought it was just funny. I love typos, actually, for this reason. And then I started thinking, that we (me and The Other Sarah) could make a diorama of the Golden Girls using pickles. Why not? And so we did. Because I love to give gifts to people. And Deb definitely deserved one after this weekend.

And it turned out like this:

Golden Girls

And I gave it to Deb Rox, who unbeknownst to me at the time was a or possibly THE mastermind behind the conference. So when I got there, I felt like a pleeb making an offering to a wise master. But it was all good, because she is terribly nice.

And why should you give a shit about any of this? Because it is art, people! This is how art happens. People make great things in the world, like the Golden Girls, then people make wine-induced spelling mistakes when talking about them, and then other people turn their mistakes into dioramas that they take to gay conferences. The fancy word for this is innovation.

But seriously. Have you made a mistake, lately? It might just turn into something awesome. It all depends on how you look at it.

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An open letter to my new friends at Salon LGBTQ

First, I am thrilled to have a reason to write an open letter. All the cool kids are doing it. Please feel free to flame me, because I’m sure that we could both use the publicity.

Second, I have free gifts. The first, obvious one, is the opportunity to meet me in person, even though I’m nobody, and I’ll just be tweeting lame stuff from the audience. But I plan to redeem myself with free t-shirts, buttons, business cards and a special gift for Deb Rox. I don’t even know her, but that is what the internet is for — to be creepy with people that you’ve never met.

And for those of you who are staying home (what?!), a little explanation: I’m going to the first ever social media conference for gay people on Friday and Saturday. I think they are letting some straight people in, but not too many, because it’s really cool now to be gay and we want to keep it to ourselves. It’s exclusive. And by that I mean sophisticated. Which is why I’ll be wearing this new shirt on the red carpet.

black shirt

I’ll look like this, only I won’t be standing in my bathroom (ideally).

And as I’ve said before, I think this is the second gayest thing I have ever done. The first is getting into a long-term, committed relationship with a woman and having two kids. But that’s old news.

What am I doing going to a social media conference? Well, I’m here so you can meet me. Or so I can meet you and tell people about it to improve my social cache. And I write this blog. And I’m on Twitter. And I’m writing a book about having babies (gaybies!), because it seems like we’re all still confused about that. I am. And also because for a very long time, I didn’t think I needed to say anything about homophobia. But it turns out that I do. So I am. But I don’t have room for everything I have to say about it right here in this post. So I plan to take up one whole book talking about it. I hope you’ll read it some day. But until then, I’ll be on this blog trying to redefine the word “family” for the American people. That’s all.

I hope you’ll stay in touch. Because this is an open letter after all. We can be pen pals, but on social media, because that’s what all the cool kids are doing. Now excuse me while I go and ride my giant ball attached to a chain and lick a hammer. Or tear up a picture of the Pope. Or possibly all three.

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Salon LGBTQ

 

© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

WARNING: Your toys might be causing health problems. Minor injuries and insanity at least.

Every time you buy something for a baby, it comes with a warning to the parent about what bad thing can happen to the baby if they are not strapped down with all of their orifices sewed closed to prevent injury. And I think all of this stuff is very important, even if no one ever reads it. But I have a new proposal. Warnings for adults about what can happen to the adult if anyone buys these toys.

The Little Toy Kitchen: WARNING: Can cause back injury in adults. Because you will be picking up tiny plastic vegetables, fruits and miniature pots and pans for the next five years.

Toy Guitar (The Dora Singing Star Guitar, in particular): WARNING: Can cause temporary insanity and deafness. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle. We made the mistake of buying one of these for our daughter while we were in the suburbs. We live in the city, and it was 30-minute drive home. I am surprised I didn’t get in an accident while I slowly went completely psychotic from the sound of Dora repeating “Lo hicimos” over and over again. And then, we did it! We took the batteries out.

Stickers: WARNING: Adults with any symptoms of OCD or anxieties about arranging objects into logical order and in the proper location should avoid using stickers without first consuming alcohol. Whenever my daughter plays with stickers, I have to employ a lot of self-talk that goes something like this: “It’s OK that Barbie’s shoe is stuck to her head. It’s OK.” Or “It doesn’t matter if all the stickers are stuck to each other and not in the book. The book does not care.” I have been practicing this for three years, and I still can’t watch her playing with stickers without trying to rescue a few of them from her grubby hands like lambs from a slaughter.

duck toy

This was a gift from some beloved friends. But after my daughter opened this and played with it, I wondered if my friends secretly hated me.

What toy warnings for adults would you recommend?

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It’s time to be aware of everything you are not doing to help others.

You may or may not have noticed, depending on how aware you actually are, that every month there is something to be aware of. It’s exhausting. Since it’s kind of still the beginning of October, here is a list of things you should AT LEAST be aware of if not actively doing something about. Just to prove that I am either a good citizen or at least better than you, I have also included a few things that I am doing to either increase my awareness or affect change about these real and very serious issues that we should be extra aware of this month. Are you ready? I’m not.

AIDS Awareness Month – I’m gay. This is pretty much a gimme.
Adopt a Shelter Dog Month – We might adopt (another) dog, so I’m pretty high on awareness of this right now. And if we don’t, I can for sure adopt a shelter for the existing dog that we have.
Breast Cancer Awareness Month No duh. Even football players are wearing pink shoes. I’m good.
Bullying Prevention Month – Um. I’m trying not to yell at my kids. I could try harder.
Book Month – Isn’t that every month?
Campaign for Healthier Babies Month – Good one. I’m a supporter so that then we can move on to unhealthy toddlers. I give mine candy when they refuse to get in the car.
CyberSecurity Awareness Month – I celebrated by uninstalling and re-installing the virus software on my computer at work. Our IT guy was quick to make me aware that this was not cool. Consider this one done.
Dental Hygiene Awareness Month – I went to the dentist. And took the kids. BOOM!
Domestic Violence Awareness Month – I’m aware. Sadly. I might try to forget.
Down Syndrome Awareness Month – Went shopping at a charity for “retarded citizens.” For real. That is the name. I didn’t make it up. And I accidentally shoplifted something because the baby was sitting on it. But I think that still counts as being aware.
Filipino American History Month – Nope
Fire Prevention Month – Possibly. Does burning toast count?
Italian – American Heritage Month – I saw a woman on HGTV who was Italian. And stressed. It’s kind of hard to forget, actually. So awareness? Check!
Lupus Awareness Month – Unless this is a flower, I’m out.
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month – Really? Must we?
Rett Syndrome Awareness Month – No idea. Totally unaware. Had to look this up.
Selective Mutism Awareness Month – This seems made up.
Vegetarian Awareness – Since I am often mistaken for one, then yes, fully aware.

Now let’s count. I think I got about 12 out of 17. That’s a B+ isn’t it? So maybe I’ll sign up for some walks this month. Some awareness walks. Probably fire, since that sounds the most exciting. Or possibly if I find a Filipino walk then I would sign up, because I want to know why they spell it with an F instead of a P.
awareness ribbons
What are you aware of this month?
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© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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