WARNING: Your toys might be causing health problems. Minor injuries and insanity at least.

Every time you buy something for a baby, it comes with a warning to the parent about what bad thing can happen to the baby if they are not strapped down with all of their orifices sewed closed to prevent injury. And I think all of this stuff is very important, even if no one ever reads it. But I have a new proposal. Warnings for adults about what can happen to the adult if anyone buys these toys.

The Little Toy Kitchen: WARNING: Can cause back injury in adults. Because you will be picking up tiny plastic vegetables, fruits and miniature pots and pans for the next five years.

Toy Guitar (The Dora Singing Star Guitar, in particular): WARNING: Can cause temporary insanity and deafness. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle. We made the mistake of buying one of these for our daughter while we were in the suburbs. We live in the city, and it was 30-minute drive home. I am surprised I didn’t get in an accident while I slowly went completely psychotic from the sound of Dora repeating “Lo hicimos” over and over again. And then, we did it! We took the batteries out.

Stickers: WARNING: Adults with any symptoms of OCD or anxieties about arranging objects into logical order and in the proper location should avoid using stickers without first consuming alcohol. Whenever my daughter plays with stickers, I have to employ a lot of self-talk that goes something like this: “It’s OK that Barbie’s shoe is stuck to her head. It’s OK.” Or “It doesn’t matter if all the stickers are stuck to each other and not in the book. The book does not care.” I have been practicing this for three years, and I still can’t watch her playing with stickers without trying to rescue a few of them from her grubby hands like lambs from a slaughter.

duck toy

This was a gift from some beloved friends. But after my daughter opened this and played with it, I wondered if my friends secretly hated me.

What toy warnings for adults would you recommend?

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© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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6 thoughts on “WARNING: Your toys might be causing health problems. Minor injuries and insanity at least.

  1. glitter.
    socks (I know they aren’t toys…but they are everywhere).
    And the best chore ever to be implemented: “main for sweep”. i.e., every morning before we leave the house each kid needs to pick up all their $&%t and put it in the extra clothes basket/toy pit.

    • I had a Speak&Spell that would do the whole random turn-on thingy. “Spell Knives,” in that uber-clear slow-speaking voice. Freaky deaky.

      • Spell “ax murderer.” It kind of makes sense how producers get the idea to shoot Bride of Chuckie and other movies about creepy dolls and toys.

    • Yes! I completely forgot about possessed electronic toys that scare the shit out of you. We used to have a disco zebra with red tennis shoes (what was this toy designer smoking?) that would go off in the middle if the night. WARNING: This toy can cause heart attacks.

  2. The musical seahorse may lull your child to sleep but side effects may include intense bouts of crying (by the child) and night waking (by parent and child to manage said crying) when your child accidentally rolls over on it in his/her sleep.

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