The Kremlin says this flag is not gay. What did the flag tell you?

People, remember this name: Miriam Elder. I hope she is duly recognized with a Pulitzer Prize for hard-hitting reporting from Russia like this news about whether or not a Russian flag is gay. Experts, flag experts no less, made this declaration: This flag of Russia’s Jewish Autonomous Region is not gay.

And now, why the confusion? Well, here is a picture of the flag:


I know. It’s like saying this lady is not a lesbian:

kd lang

Anyway, let’s chat about this. Because this is not an actual news site, and I’m not an actual reporter, I can say all the things — ask all the hard-hitting questions — that Miriam could not ask. And here is what I want to know.

Did anyone ask the flag if it was gay? No. That figures. Some things never change. We can spend all of our time speculating about whether something is gay or not and no one ever bothers to ask the thing. Oh wait. It’s a thing! So I guess that is the first lesson. Most objects don’t have a sexual orientation, even though lots of them seem to have a gender, like boats and hurricanes, for example.

But the best part of the article are the quotes from the flag experts. First Georgy Vilinbakhov, a Kremlin advisor, notes that “not every rainbow image is linked to sexual orientation.” This is truly disappointing news. All those years I thought Lucky Charms was just for gay people. And then there was this coming out shirt that I had in first grade. No wonder no girls ever asked me to go steady. This was just a regular shirt.

cool_retro_graphic_rainbow_design_tAnd in case you’re wondering why everyone is getting all worked up about rainbows in Russia, “gay propaganda” and other “public displays of homosexuality” have been outlawed in the country. The UN High Commission on Human Rights is involved, so we are talking about some serious shit here. Which means that it has no place on this blog.

Instead, let’s all give thanks (again) for free speech and proudly wear any rainbow-accented clothing, flags, socks or cereal that you have no matter what it means. I am.

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5 thoughts on “The Kremlin says this flag is not gay. What did the flag tell you?

  1. If we need “leaders” and “experts” who can successfully argue that corporations are “persons” in order to influence campaign donations and also avoid having to pay for insurance that covers contraceptives (, then we certainly need other leaders and (flag) experts to help us navigate the complex world of rainbow flags, pointing out which ones are – and aren’t – gay. (And clearly their flag isn’t gay, by the way – there’s no flair to that rainbow at all!)

    Once they’re done working on the flags, I’d like to see if I can have one of their experts take look at my Mork and Mindy suspenders and this sweet rainbow-colored afro wig I wear to football games.

  2. “All those years I thought Lucky Charms was just for gay people.” I’m dying laughing over here. So are Lucky Charms outlawed in Russia too? Man, that place is a bummer.

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