I am having a really hard time deciding what to blog about today. I’ve had such a hard time that I started yesterday, and I still don’t have anything today. So I need your help. In two ways. First, by realizing that this is not really a blog post. It’s more of a cry for help. And second, by telling me what you think of this idea.
BlogHer ’14 is looking for speakers on topics. And I’m giving it a shot, because 6 months ago I tried to get my blog listed in their directory and it was ignored or rejected or something. Which means that they are obviously looking for me to be a speaker for their conference instead of a blogger.
So what I need is an answer for this question: “Please tell us more about why you believe this speaker and/or topic would be a great fit for BlogHer ’14. (Word count 300 max.)” And since we already decided the first good reason to be a speaker is that I WILL NOT BE IGNORED, here is the second more thoughtful reason:
I want to be a speaker because there used to be something wrong with me. And now there isn’t. Seven years ago, I wanted to have a baby. And I was a 36-year-old lesbian in committed relationship with another woman. So from my perspective, there was only one thing that was wrong. We didn’t have any sperm. But for others, there was a lot that was wrong. First, I was diagnosed as infertile, so I could receive medical treatment so I could get pregnant. And for 18 months, I was examined, probed tested and analyzed, all culminating one day in a therapy session where my partner and I were told that we would not make good parents. In other words, we were all wrong for this. And it was at that moment, I had to decide, was I going to continue to live my life like there was something wrong with me? That I was and always had been was so fundamentally flawed in some way that I needed to spend my life proving to people that I was worthy; worthy of being a parent; worthy of being a spouse; worthy of spot in world? It would be easy to assume that I felt unworthy because I am gay. But I really didn’t discover that I was gay until I was in my 20s. Before that I was a foreigner growing up in a place steeped in religious fundamentalism. So as a child of immigrant atheists, I learned early that there was something wrong with me, possibly evil, even. Becoming a parent was a critical step for me in my journey out of wrongness and into a place that I’ve made for myself. A place where I can be myself: right or wrong. And usually both.
Oh and it would have some funny parts, too. Because thinking that you are flawed, in retrospect, can be sort of hilarious.
What do you think? Would you go to this talk?
© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.