I expect the sex talk to be easier since it was an immaculate conception, literally

Now that my children are getting older, I expect them to have a few more questions about how they got here. This is one of the down sides of teaching them how to talk, but there were so many other advantages to talking and it seemed to come naturally, so we just went with it.

There is no guide book for talking to your kids about how your gay parents had you, although I’m sure someone is writing one. And if I may, here is a suggestion for a title: How to Not Talk to Your Kids about Sex.

It recently occurred to me that I got pregnant without having sex with anyone. Or at least the sex didn’t cause me to become pregnant. OK, wait, I knew that at the time but what I’m saying is that it dawned on me that I could relay all of the details of my daughter’s conception and birth to her without mentioning anything but online shopping and trips to the doctor’s office, both of which she already knows about.

Really, it would be talking about an immaculate conception – in that it was immaculate and there was conception. In fact, it was so immaculate that my dirty vagina wasn’t allowed anywhere near the place where the sperm and the egg got together. It probably happened in a sterilized room where smart people dressed in cleanroom apparel and using pipettes put some sperm in a petri dish with my eggs. But, I wouldn’t know because I wasn’t directly involved. Seriously, I have an alibi.

immacgreenhair3

And it’s probably rude or blasphemous to call it an immaculate conception. But I didn’t call it The Immaculate Conception, because I read up on that, and I don’t get it. There are so many self-referential euphemisms in the description of the Original Sin and the Immaculate Conception that I could not figure what the Catholics were talking about. It was like talking to someone who insists on using air quotes around every other word. I mean, seriously, how can you write three paragraphs about something and still not really say what it is. So, I gave up. Maybe I’ll ask my mother-in-not-law next time I get a chance.

I think all that this really means is that in our house there will be two talks: The sex talk and the how-babies-are-born talk. Except that there won’t be, because I don’t want to have a “big talk.” I would like all of this to become part of our normal, family dialogue.

Stop! Wait! Don’t call social services! We are not going to sit around all day talking to our kids about sex. We are just going to answer questions with facts and compassion when they come up, just like everything else that we talk about.

In fact, Wynn and I have “big talks” all the time. Last night’s was about “why it’s OK to feel afraid.” And the night before, it was “being nice to your sister.” And we even had a talk about how some children don’t come out of their mom’s belly (because they are adopted). So far, that one was the most surprising to her judging only by the size of her eyes. And “feeling afraid” had the most tears. And, of course, “being nice to your sister” involved the most eye-rolling.

So, I’m looking forward to seeing what we can not talk about next.

Find me on Twitter @7littlemexicans and #7LM
Follow this and more on Facebook: www.facebook.com/sevenlittlemexicans 
Or become a fan on HuffingtonPost Parents

© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Deciding to do nothing in 2014 turns out to be something. I can’t win.

I decided this year that I wasn’t going to have any New Year’s resolutions. I’m not sure why or even when I decided this. It’s possible that in the weeks leading up to the end of the year I was busy thinking about other things. Except I forgot to think about what to get for Pam for Christmas, so what WAS I thinking?

And just to be sure that I wasn’t accidentally having any New Year’s resolutions, I checked Wikipedia to make sure that I understood what I was talking about. And as it turns out, people for thousands of years, even before Jesus, have promised themselves that they’ll do better in the New Year. They plan to repay their debts or to return borrowed objects. No one was trying to lose ten pounds, but it was ancient Greece so no one needed to. You know, they were all Greek gods, remember? Yeah, I didn’t, because I wasn’t thinking.

So it was true, I wasn’t making any promises or New Year’s resolutions to myself. At least not on January 1st. Because I know better than that. And I don’t want to change. I would like to stay exactly the same. Generally happy. But no, that wasn’t going to happen, either. Because I bought this book. And I read it, which is an accomplishment in itself. Except that it’s a book that is mostly full of pictures, so I can’t really pat myself on the back too hard for that.

hyperboleandahalf

This is one of the saddest fucking books I have ever read. And also the funniest. Together. In one book. The pictures are ridiculous, as you can tell by the cover. And the stories, except the ones about the dogs, are gut-wrenching.

The book contains two posts about depression, one of which is also about suicide. And at least three of the chapters are about how much Allie hates herself. And it’s all funny. But sad. And I’m guessing you’re getting that part, because I keep saying it over and over again. But that’s also what the truth is: Comedy and tragedy. Shakespeare figured that out a long time ago, but we don’t listen. So people need to keep writing books so we can learn this over and over again.

And ironically, although this book made me cry it also made me hopeful. First, I am hopeful that Allie will start to like herself a bit more, because she wrote an awesome book with funny pictures and a lot of truth in it. But also because I am writing a funny book about a mostly horrible experience, and I wasn’t sure that it would work. But now I think it can.

And bonus, Allie’s book also proves that you can write a book about nothing, mostly. There is a whole chapter about trying to clean the house and then playing on the internet instead. Like I said: This is truth, people. Gospel, even.

Anyway, this isn’t really even a blog post. It’s more like a book review. And it’s not really about New Year’s resolutions or the lack of New Year’s resolutions, except to say that you can have no plans to change yourself, and then be changed anyway.

Also, don’t stop buying books. That’s not the point of this post, either.

Find me on Twitter @7littlemexicans and #7LM
Follow this and more on Facebook: www.facebook.com/sevenlittlemexicans 
Or become a fan on HuffingtonPost Parents

© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...