My list of needs: They are small but scientifically proven using psychology

I am not a psychologist, but every once in a while I remember something from Psychology 101. And soon, I may be doling out advice as a fake gay parenting psychologist of the internet. The psychologist part is fake. The gay parent part is real.

This should be fun for everyone, because I am often the most confused about what parents should be doing, and that probably means that I should be figuring it out and posting my findings on the internet where people always come to find facts and good advice. But more about that later.

In the meantime, I drew this picture, because as parents of the new millennium, we have needs. Needs that should be met by our children. And to illustrate our needs I’ve re-created Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs for parents. Or possibly just my hierarchy of needs, but whatever – this is my blog. What would you add to the list?

hierarchy

C’mon add something to the goddamn list!

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© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

No use crying over warmed milk

Remember when a friend called me “the gay Erma Bombeck” and it made me enter a writing contest? Well, some good writers and actual newspaper columnists won it. You can read their stories, but you have to read my contest entry first. Because what exactly are you here for?  (Links to winners at bottom)

warmmilk2

The difference between a good day and a bad day at our house boils down to one drink: Warm milk.

On weekday mornings at 7 a.m. the business of getting to work and getting to daycare starts. The whistle blows and the workers -– a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old — rise from their beds and come downstairs in their pajamas. The management team, on the other hand, has been up since before sunrise.

“Can I have some milk?” says Wynn.

“Me, too,” says Marlo.

“What is the magic word?” I say.

“Please,” they chorus, lying down on the sofa and sticking their thumbs in their mouths. They’re already on break.

For more than four years and multiple times a day, it has been management’s job to provide warm milk. It’s part of the labor contract – one that was struck, incidentally, when I was in labor.

First, warm milk was provided with the help of two mammary glands. And then, to make weaning easier, I warmed up the baby formula and, eventually, the cow’s milk.

When Wynn turned 4, the management decided that this was enough. Our daughter was old enough to drink cold milk. And so, holding our breath, we gave it a try.

The result? A strike.

Placards were made. Flyers were distributed. Threats were issued: She would never go to bed. She would not put on pants. And taking a bath or brushing her hair? Forget it.

We broke, almost immediately, and began negotiations. Eventually, we settled on room temperature milk. According to the contract, room temperature milk would go from the fridge to be warmed in the microwave for 30 seconds prior to being served – 50% less time than warm milk.

This seemed to work for a few months and then it got colder outside. And management’s willpower grew weaker.

One day, as a special treat, I added 15 seconds to the warming time, making it 45 seconds total.

“Mmmmm,” said Wynn. “It’s warm.”

Later that night and just before bedtime, I went back to making room temperature milk. But the fragile balance had been upset and Wynn demanded warm milk.

Management held an emergency meeting and considered their options. What was more important: Children wearing clothing, practicing good hygiene and getting enough sleep or 15 seconds in the microwave?

It was a difficult decision because we didn’t wanted spoiled children or anarchy. The negotiations lasted late into the evening or at least until 10 minutes past bedtime. And warm milk won.

Everyone went to bed, wearing pants, and got a good night’s sleep.

And the next morning I asked “Do you want some milk?”

“I’ll have juice,” said Wynn. “Warm.”

 

Here are the winners of the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition.

Find me on Twitter @7littlemexicans and #7LM
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© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I’m in a show about motherhood which, like motherhood, sounds easy but is mortifying

Great and terrifying news, everyone. I’m in a show! Oh my god, I’m in a show. Excuse me just a second. I don’t feel very good.

I auditioned recently for the Listen to Your Mother Show which (and I’m quoting) “is a diverse collection of local writers who read their own words about motherhood in a show that … will be spectacular.” It’s even in a theater. And did you get that part about writers? I know! I’ll be with writers, who are some of my favorite people to be with.

LTYM

Oh, and yes, I passed the audition, which felt like a miracle. I was incredibly nervous, even though I had practiced reading my piece about 20 times before the judge heard it. But reading something personal to your iPhone Voice Memo app is way less nerve-wracking than reading your story to a complete stranger.

Here is a list of all the amazing people that will be in the show. Denver is joining more than thirty other shows in the fifth season nationwide, so we’re not alone, which I think may be the whole point of this deal.

You can buy tickets here. And it’s true, you need to buy tickets these days to see me make a fool of myself. It used to just require inviting me over and serving a few cocktails, but times have changed, for the better, I think.

I hope you can make it. And let’s be honest, I hope I can make it.

Find me on Twitter @7littlemexicans
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© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I’m happy to support your gay agenda, once I find it

Last night “Let it Go,” the song from the Disney movie Frozen won an Oscar.
And it reminded me that I needed to order a copy of that movie for Marlo’s 3rd birthday, because that’s how capitalism works. And because I’m a lazy parent. I will happily buy any new movie for my kids to watch, if it lets me off the hook for 93 minutes (including bonus material).
frozen
I also just learned that this movie has a “gay agenda.” I know! Kind of shocking. But this woman, Kathryn Skaggs or Well-Behaved-Mormon-Woman (WBMW) as she prefers to be called, proved it. You can read about it, here. But use the potty first. It’s a long post.
But now I am torn. Not because I don’t want my kids to see a movie with a gay agenda, but because I didn’t notice that the movie was gay the first time I saw it. I guess I was distracted by the hot chicks and the funny snowman.
More disappointing is the fact that Well-Behaved didn’t actually go into detail about how this movie is gay. I would like to know, because I thought the movie was pretty good with it’s caring theme about sisters and female independence, but I would have liked it EVEN MORE if I knew it was gay.
I loved Mulan, in part because it was pretty gay. All the main characters are cross-dressers. And they save the whole country from evil because they dress up and act like the opposite gender. There is even a song sung by a girl about finding a great girl to marry. What’s not to love?!
So here is my plea: please help me find the gay agenda in Frozen. Because I’m not a very good gay if I can’t see the gay in a Disney movie. Besides, I’m a big supporter of the gay agenda.
A slightly more professional version of this story also ran in the HuffPost.
Find me on Twitter @7littlemexicans
Follow this and more on Facebook: www.facebook.com/sevenlittlemexicans 
Or become a fan on HuffingtonPost Parents

© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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