Meat: a man’s job

If you follow us, you know that there aren’t a lot of Y chromosomes running around our house. None, actually. When people hear that, they usually have questions. And in this season of BBQs and patio parties, when America has burgers on the brain, that question is almost always: Who “mans” the grill in a house of no men?

Well, America, I’m speaking out about meat carving in my family over at BLUNTmoms today. Head on over and figure out how we manage to survive the summer sans man.

bigstock-a-woman-on-FIRE-in-front-of-a-19386794-620x330

BLUNTmoms: Who Will Carve the Meat?

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© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

If you need a reason to order an extra cake, just invent a new holiday

I’m an advocate for inventing new family traditions. I don’t write letters to congress about them, insisting that they become official holidays so I can have the day off, but I wouldn’t be opposed to that, either. As it turns out most of these invented traditions already fall on or around another recognized holiday, which I just insist on enhancing with my own, and obviously better, ideas.

Our family celebrated one of these new family traditions last month. We call it Big Sister Day. Or alternately (exactly 50% of the time), we call it Little Sister Day. Coincidentally, this day falls on the day immediately following the birthday of either the big or the little sister in our family. So, in March, immediately following Marlo’s birthday, we celebrated Big Sister Day.

marlo birthday

This tradition started the day after Marlo was born. We were worried that Wynn, formerly the Center of the Universe to parents and grandparents alike, was not going to appreciate the new member of the family stealing her spotlight. So when Pam brought Wynn to the hospital to meet her new little sister, we surprised her with a party and a new holiday. There was cake, presents and balloons in the hospital room for the inaugural Big Sister Day.

Then as soon as Wynn and the rest of the family left the hospital, she threw a major temper tantrum (her first) and refused to get in the car. But we didn’t give up. We have been celebrating Big and Little Sister Day ever since. And I like it. No, not just because it’s an excuse to have extra cake and presents. But because it gives me a minute to pause, reflect and appreciate what it must be like to be a Big Sister (or a Little Sister), which seems to have both its good and bad parts.

When you are the Big Sister, you do most stuff first, unless it means getting out of diapers, because it really is just easier to keep wearing those things to bed. And there is the pressure to do things first, like go to kindergarten, jump off the edge of the pool or spell your name. It can be frightening to be the Big Sister, but you also get lots of attention. There are big expectations and more controlling parents in your life, usually. This is no different in our house. We anxiously await the milestones for the Big Sister and grieve the same ones when the Little Sister reaches them. The exception being the diapers, of course.

And more recently, now that both sisters can talk, I’ve been asking them to stop and think about what it’s like to have a sister on Big Sister Day.

Me: What do you like best about your sister?

Wynn: Her birthday cake.

 

>>What would you celebrate on Big/Little Sibling Day?

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Deciding to do nothing in 2014 turns out to be something. I can’t win.

I decided this year that I wasn’t going to have any New Year’s resolutions. I’m not sure why or even when I decided this. It’s possible that in the weeks leading up to the end of the year I was busy thinking about other things. Except I forgot to think about what to get for Pam for Christmas, so what WAS I thinking?

And just to be sure that I wasn’t accidentally having any New Year’s resolutions, I checked Wikipedia to make sure that I understood what I was talking about. And as it turns out, people for thousands of years, even before Jesus, have promised themselves that they’ll do better in the New Year. They plan to repay their debts or to return borrowed objects. No one was trying to lose ten pounds, but it was ancient Greece so no one needed to. You know, they were all Greek gods, remember? Yeah, I didn’t, because I wasn’t thinking.

So it was true, I wasn’t making any promises or New Year’s resolutions to myself. At least not on January 1st. Because I know better than that. And I don’t want to change. I would like to stay exactly the same. Generally happy. But no, that wasn’t going to happen, either. Because I bought this book. And I read it, which is an accomplishment in itself. Except that it’s a book that is mostly full of pictures, so I can’t really pat myself on the back too hard for that.

hyperboleandahalf

This is one of the saddest fucking books I have ever read. And also the funniest. Together. In one book. The pictures are ridiculous, as you can tell by the cover. And the stories, except the ones about the dogs, are gut-wrenching.

The book contains two posts about depression, one of which is also about suicide. And at least three of the chapters are about how much Allie hates herself. And it’s all funny. But sad. And I’m guessing you’re getting that part, because I keep saying it over and over again. But that’s also what the truth is: Comedy and tragedy. Shakespeare figured that out a long time ago, but we don’t listen. So people need to keep writing books so we can learn this over and over again.

And ironically, although this book made me cry it also made me hopeful. First, I am hopeful that Allie will start to like herself a bit more, because she wrote an awesome book with funny pictures and a lot of truth in it. But also because I am writing a funny book about a mostly horrible experience, and I wasn’t sure that it would work. But now I think it can.

And bonus, Allie’s book also proves that you can write a book about nothing, mostly. There is a whole chapter about trying to clean the house and then playing on the internet instead. Like I said: This is truth, people. Gospel, even.

Anyway, this isn’t really even a blog post. It’s more like a book review. And it’s not really about New Year’s resolutions or the lack of New Year’s resolutions, except to say that you can have no plans to change yourself, and then be changed anyway.

Also, don’t stop buying books. That’s not the point of this post, either.

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Look for me, I’ll be dressed as a lesbian.

It’s Halloween. You probably noticed. And in case you’re wondering, I will be dressed up as a lesbian. And I’ll be hanging out with a cross-dressing Mickey Mouse and a Rock Star Ariel – because a regular, old princess mermaid just doesn’t cut it these days. My lovely spouse will be joining us, and I believe she will also be dressed as a lesbian. A warmly dressed one, undoubtedly.

I think we’ll make a great crew. And if it works out, maybe we’ll start a girl band. Feel free to suggest some band names in the comments.

And this brings me to my next point. How do you dress as a lesbian for Halloween? Let me tell you, because I learned this in high school French class from a very pretty, popular girl who was sitting behind me. Let’s call her T.

Me: What are you going to dress up as for Halloween?

T: A lesbian.

Me: Oh, how are you going to do that?

T: I’m going to wear a tight black leotard and cover myself with lipstick kisses.

Me: Wow. Hmmm.

Here is a life-size reproduction of what this probably looked like:

mani-tard

And it’s a bit awkward, because the only thing more uncomfortable than wearing a leotard in public is wearing a leotard in public while propagating your own made-up stereotype about lesbians. That and she is practically an adult going Trick-or-Treating with an jack-o-lantern candy bucket.

But, THIS CHICK IS GORGEOUS! And covered in kisses. So now you know why I turned gay.

Happy Halloween!

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© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Are you looking for that special gift for that special gay? And by that I mean me.

The holidays are coming. If you went to Costco last summer, you know this. There is also another important milestone coming soon: My first blogiversary, which is also in December. Or possibly you may want to think about giving a gift for Thanksgiving, because you are so thankful. For what you ask? For me! For this blog. Do I have to spell everything out for you?

And now I bet you are wondering what a lesbian mom would like for Christmas (or Thanksgiving). Nothing too expensive, because I am the spawn of extraordinarily cheap Scottish ancestors. And ideally something homemade or crafty, because I’m a mom and we love that kind of shit. Well, thankfully, Buzzfeed has already done a lot of the work for you by putting together a quick round-up of 18 Items that Every Self-Respecting Lesbian Should Own. 

I know it’s a huge stretch to think of me as self-respecting, but I try. And I most definitely will respect myself a lot more if you shower me with gifts. I’d like take a moment to mention a few of my favorites.

The Rachel Maddow Finger Puppet: I love felt. And I love Rachel Maddow. It’s not just because she’s a lesbian. It’s because she talks about facts. And it just doesn’t get any sexier than that. And besides, if you buy this for me I can tell people I put my finger in her. All around win.

rachelmaddow

Vulva Coin Purse: If you cannot keep your coins in your actual vulva, then why not keep them in this pink purse? It’s practically the same thing and you never have to shave it. You can also pierce it with more pearls and it will never ever hurt. Lovely.

vagina purse

L Word Watch: Wow! This would definitely be a great gift for my blogiversary. A diamond watch for a year of service? That would definitely keep me motivated to keep working here for free. And I would enjoy it much more than a toaster. Or a pen. And in a couple of years it will undoubtedly be an antique since the L Word was on TV at least 100 years ago.

lword watch

So think about it. No pressure. But I do have something for you. It’s a surprise, just like every post on this blog. And just in case any of these gifts make you uncomfortable, feel free to check out the list of Ron Swanson art. He is so cool that he’s practically a lesbian, anyhow.

Special thanks to Lily Hiott-Millis who actually did all the work for this post. How in the God do you find time to do all this shopping? You are most definitely a real woman. (All of these products were found on Etsy.com, which is a completely awesome place to shop for all kinds of art.)

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© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

It’s time to be aware of everything you are not doing to help others.

You may or may not have noticed, depending on how aware you actually are, that every month there is something to be aware of. It’s exhausting. Since it’s kind of still the beginning of October, here is a list of things you should AT LEAST be aware of if not actively doing something about. Just to prove that I am either a good citizen or at least better than you, I have also included a few things that I am doing to either increase my awareness or affect change about these real and very serious issues that we should be extra aware of this month. Are you ready? I’m not.

AIDS Awareness Month – I’m gay. This is pretty much a gimme.
Adopt a Shelter Dog Month – We might adopt (another) dog, so I’m pretty high on awareness of this right now. And if we don’t, I can for sure adopt a shelter for the existing dog that we have.
Breast Cancer Awareness Month No duh. Even football players are wearing pink shoes. I’m good.
Bullying Prevention Month – Um. I’m trying not to yell at my kids. I could try harder.
Book Month – Isn’t that every month?
Campaign for Healthier Babies Month – Good one. I’m a supporter so that then we can move on to unhealthy toddlers. I give mine candy when they refuse to get in the car.
CyberSecurity Awareness Month – I celebrated by uninstalling and re-installing the virus software on my computer at work. Our IT guy was quick to make me aware that this was not cool. Consider this one done.
Dental Hygiene Awareness Month – I went to the dentist. And took the kids. BOOM!
Domestic Violence Awareness Month – I’m aware. Sadly. I might try to forget.
Down Syndrome Awareness Month – Went shopping at a charity for “retarded citizens.” For real. That is the name. I didn’t make it up. And I accidentally shoplifted something because the baby was sitting on it. But I think that still counts as being aware.
Filipino American History Month – Nope
Fire Prevention Month – Possibly. Does burning toast count?
Italian – American Heritage Month – I saw a woman on HGTV who was Italian. And stressed. It’s kind of hard to forget, actually. So awareness? Check!
Lupus Awareness Month – Unless this is a flower, I’m out.
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month – Really? Must we?
Rett Syndrome Awareness Month – No idea. Totally unaware. Had to look this up.
Selective Mutism Awareness Month – This seems made up.
Vegetarian Awareness – Since I am often mistaken for one, then yes, fully aware.

Now let’s count. I think I got about 12 out of 17. That’s a B+ isn’t it? So maybe I’ll sign up for some walks this month. Some awareness walks. Probably fire, since that sounds the most exciting. Or possibly if I find a Filipino walk then I would sign up, because I want to know why they spell it with an F instead of a P.
awareness ribbons
What are you aware of this month?
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© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I survived a bachelorette weekend. An epic tale in 6 paragraphs.

Last weekend I went to a foreign land. Seattle. But not actually Seattle. We were close to Seattle, in the same way that the North America is close to Mars. I was in Leavenworth, WA. And I participated in some cultural activities. And no, I am not talking about dressing up in lederhosen and enjoying a beer garden. Except that we did enjoy a beer garden while sipping drinks from a bottle of wine. But we’re rebels like that.

So what is my point? I was getting to that. Be patient. And welcome back from your visit to the Leavenworth web site. That town has its own font. I was on a girl’s weekend/bachelorette party. And maybe it’s just me, but this is a little awkward as a lesbian. Mostly because people don’t know whether they should invite my spouse. They should not. And the bachelorette is one of my coolest friends, so she already knows not to invite my spouse. So it was not awkward.

But just in case you are thinking about inviting a lesbian couple to your bachelorette weekend, don’t. Unless they are the entertainment, in which case tip them well, because women make 73 cents for every dollar that a man makes. And as you already know, these types of performances require lots of dollar bills and 73 cents is just way to hard to tuck into a g string. But I digress.

Girls weekends, in spite of the name, are not really a gender thing although they do involve lingerie. But mostly they are about one half of a bunch of couples and one single lady, getting together without their spouses and without their kids and then talking about those people the whole time. And they are about underwear. And sometimes fake penises.

But the girls I was with were classy, so there were no fake penises to drink cocktails out of or wear on your head. Which means that I didn’t fit in at all. Because I have a whole collection of fake penises. Except I call them dildos, but whatever. And none of them have straws in them, so you cannot drink out of them. But some of them do have straps, so I suppose you could wear them on your head if you wanted to, but I don’t, because they don’t work very well that way. Or maybe they do, and I am just not very open-minded.

But let’s move on, because this is getting really personal and mildly embarrassing. And because this weekend was not about me, it was about the bachelorette. And it was about drinking. And that is why I’m only posting once this week. Because I was tired and hung over on Monday. And I was spending time trying penises on my head to see if it could work that way. The end.

underwear

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© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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