I’m happy to support your gay agenda, once I find it

Last night “Let it Go,” the song from the Disney movie Frozen won an Oscar.
And it reminded me that I needed to order a copy of that movie for Marlo’s 3rd birthday, because that’s how capitalism works. And because I’m a lazy parent. I will happily buy any new movie for my kids to watch, if it lets me off the hook for 93 minutes (including bonus material).
frozen
I also just learned that this movie has a “gay agenda.” I know! Kind of shocking. But this woman, Kathryn Skaggs or Well-Behaved-Mormon-Woman (WBMW) as she prefers to be called, proved it. You can read about it, here. But use the potty first. It’s a long post.
But now I am torn. Not because I don’t want my kids to see a movie with a gay agenda, but because I didn’t notice that the movie was gay the first time I saw it. I guess I was distracted by the hot chicks and the funny snowman.
More disappointing is the fact that Well-Behaved didn’t actually go into detail about how this movie is gay. I would like to know, because I thought the movie was pretty good with it’s caring theme about sisters and female independence, but I would have liked it EVEN MORE if I knew it was gay.
I loved Mulan, in part because it was pretty gay. All the main characters are cross-dressers. And they save the whole country from evil because they dress up and act like the opposite gender. There is even a song sung by a girl about finding a great girl to marry. What’s not to love?!
So here is my plea: please help me find the gay agenda in Frozen. Because I’m not a very good gay if I can’t see the gay in a Disney movie. Besides, I’m a big supporter of the gay agenda.
A slightly more professional version of this story also ran in the HuffPost.
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© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Gay marriage passed in Illinois, but not without some confusion about driving cars

Illinois has passed a gay marriage law. (Yeah!) Maybe Pam and I will get married there. And Hawaii is now also an option. But I don’t want to get side-tracked. The law in Illinois was not passed without some important dialogue from both sides — the right side and the wrong side. And I’d like like to comment on something from the wrong side, before we move on.

This man – Apostle Paul David Rogers – told a radio station that “gay parents are like 5-year-olds who think they can drive cars.” I agree. And I don’t want that to get lost in all the other stuff that he was saying about God ordaining lions and chickens. Because, well, that would be crazy. Those are animals, and animals should not be leading churches or teaching the Bible, mostly because they can’t talk, but also because they probably won’t fit in those fancy robes properly.

So anyway, as a gay parent I would just like to say that I AM like a 5-year-old who thinks they can drive a car. I’m probably not as excited about driving my car as a five-year-old would be, but I’m probably just as bad at it. In fact, the other day I was just giving myself a pat on the back because I haven’t run into our newly painted garage with my car, and it’s been a whole three weeks since it was painted. And more evidence? Last weekend, I thought I could drive to the dog wash to wash the dog, and I got completely lost. I had to call Pam for help.

That said, I have no idea what this has to do with gay marriage, except that both driving and marriage require licenses. And gay people, including gay parents, can now get a license to be married in Illinois. But while you are there, please take the subway if you have kids. Because driving in Illinois or anywhere is a fantasy, for you, my friends. And also for me.

This probably what 5-year-old driving would look like. Which is scary, but not as scary as a lion in papal regalia.

This probably what a 5-year-old driving would look like. Which is scary, but not as scary as a lion in papal regalia.

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Lesbians in Costco. A fantasy. (Not that kind)

“We are together,” I mouth to the woman standing at the door wearing a down vest and glasses. I gesture wildly toward Pam and our two girls who are sitting with their dolls in the shopping cart. And I hold up my black Executive membership card in plain sight.

Suddenly the Costco police — dressed in black t-shirts and sneakers and carrying box cutters — descend upon us and ask us to prove that we live in the same household. We are forced to show both of our names on our joint checking account. It’s not enough. We are taken to separate rooms and interrogated. I say that Pam hates the bran bread in the bakery, but loves the whole wheat. She doesn’t mention this. Instead, she says that we need cheddar cheese. But I say that we don’t, because we already have some in the freezer. Instead, I say that we need a plastic bag the size of a pillow case full of spinach. She says that we’re not getting spinach, because we’ll never eat it all before it goes bad.

Then, still doubting the credibility of stories and unconvinced that we are basically married, the police reunite us and force us to kiss to prove that we are not sisters just looking to get a discount at a big box store. Disgusted by this flagrant public indecency in front of our children, we are arrested by the real police. Our children, who are still sitting like angels in the shopping cart, are nabbed by a social worker and taken to a van parked outside. “Mima! Mima! Mommy!” they cry as they are carried off to the foster care system. My heart breaks.

“Sarah, are you coming?” says Pam. “The woman is waving us through and the people behind us are waiting.”

“Yeah, sorry I uh……. nevermind.”

That’s right. Nothing happened. We’re a family, and Costco has no problem with us. They treat us just like every other family. How was your weekend?

grocery list

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The Kremlin says this flag is not gay. What did the flag tell you?

People, remember this name: Miriam Elder. I hope she is duly recognized with a Pulitzer Prize for hard-hitting reporting from Russia like this news about whether or not a Russian flag is gay. Experts, flag experts no less, made this declaration: This flag of Russia’s Jewish Autonomous Region is not gay.

And now, why the confusion? Well, here is a picture of the flag:

gaylookingflag

I know. It’s like saying this lady is not a lesbian:

kd lang

Anyway, let’s chat about this. Because this is not an actual news site, and I’m not an actual reporter, I can say all the things — ask all the hard-hitting questions — that Miriam could not ask. And here is what I want to know.

Did anyone ask the flag if it was gay? No. That figures. Some things never change. We can spend all of our time speculating about whether something is gay or not and no one ever bothers to ask the thing. Oh wait. It’s a thing! So I guess that is the first lesson. Most objects don’t have a sexual orientation, even though lots of them seem to have a gender, like boats and hurricanes, for example.

But the best part of the article are the quotes from the flag experts. First Georgy Vilinbakhov, a Kremlin advisor, notes that “not every rainbow image is linked to sexual orientation.” This is truly disappointing news. All those years I thought Lucky Charms was just for gay people. And then there was this coming out shirt that I had in first grade. No wonder no girls ever asked me to go steady. This was just a regular shirt.

cool_retro_graphic_rainbow_design_tAnd in case you’re wondering why everyone is getting all worked up about rainbows in Russia, “gay propaganda” and other “public displays of homosexuality” have been outlawed in the country. The UN High Commission on Human Rights is involved, so we are talking about some serious shit here. Which means that it has no place on this blog.

Instead, let’s all give thanks (again) for free speech and proudly wear any rainbow-accented clothing, flags, socks or cereal that you have no matter what it means. I am.

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As a lesbian, you should know what to eat. Besides carpet, obviously.

After last week’s blow-up over pasta, when the CEO of Barilla told an Italian radio station that he prefers straight people to eat his product, I started wondering what DO gay people eat?

I should have looked this up a long time ago, because, as usual, I have been at risk of doing it wrong. And there is a surprising amount of coverage of this topic, but if you are going to do research, I would strongly recommend that you include the word “food” in your search string. Googling “lesbian eating” takes you in an entirely new world of search results that has nothing to do with food.

So, here is what I learned. First, if you are gay man (of course), there is a book about which foods are gay and which are not. Sushi? Totally gay. Mexican food? Not gay at all, which probably explains why I’m a bisexual. I love both. As of yet, it has not turned me into a gay or a straight MAN, but I have gotten close. I once owned a pair of dress shoes, had very short hair, and wore a suit to work. I had no idea that this was caused by too much Mexican food.

To find out what lesbians eat, I had to work a bit harder. But it was worth it, because I really want to maintain my status as a lesbian. And you are what you eat. (Insert oral sex joke here.) Luckily, I found this article, which takes a long time to load but it’s worth the wait because it outlines some foods that lesbians eat.

According to the article, we enjoy salads (Yes!) and farmer’s markets (Not so much. It depends on whether they have funnel cakes.) And more specifically arugula, goat cheese and pear salads. (Majorly YES. Wow. Weird.) Deconstructed California Rolls. Because we must deconstruct everything — especially the California Roll Patriarchy.

So that’s good! I’ve been eating the right gay foods. Whew! And I won’t be eating Barilla, just for the record. Because this brand is my favorite. It’s little pricey. But it is so delicious.

9-29-2013 2-05-38 PM

So white. So creamy. So delicious. Just 10 times the price.

And I did also find this, but you can never trust those Q&A websites like WikiAnswers.

food

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I am the South Pole and other scientific facts.

I think I just found the best thing on the internet. A university student in Nigeria has found irrefutable, scientific proof that gay marriage is wrong. How did he do it? Magnets. Yes, I know. For years, we have been overlooking this understated household object which could have been acting as our moral compass (because it’s a magnet) for this entire time. Possibly forever, because I think that’s how long magnetic fields last.

 

 

 

Here is a direct quote from his research, from Pink News: “A bar magnet is a horizontal magnet that has the North Pole and the South Pole and when you bring two bar magnets with a North Pole together you find that the two North Poles will not attract. They will repel, that is, they will push away themselves showing that a man should not attract a man.”

And then, he goes on to say that women are like the south pole of the magnet and two south poles repel each other, as well.

So, I have given this some thought. And in addition to being very relieved to finally find my place on the periodic table of elements, I want to personally thank this guy for pointing out other things that I was not aware of about myself. In other words, other ways that I am like a magnet.

1. I cannot stay away from the fridge. It is like a huge force field in my life that is impossible to resist.

2. This explains the whole wanting to go to college in Canada thing. It’s north, which I was attracted to because I am the south pole of the magnet.

3. And probably the most important discovery: This completely explains why I’m not a chick magnet, which is somewhat devastating. But at least now I know why girls aren’t falling all over me. And sometimes dudes hit on me, instead. It’s because they can’t help it. Opposite forces attract.

And I would like to fix this whole chick magnet thing by working on my hair, but I can’t decide on a style. But I think this will help. And it involves magnets, which I now feel very passionate about. You can get your own, right here, but only if you live in the UK, which is where all the cool chicks are anyway.

wor003_design_a_beaver_1

But if you’re not ready to be a chick magnet or you are perfectly happy with your pubes, you can buy one of these magnets, instead. It’s practically guaranteed to turn you into a chick magnet, at least for little chicks that take constant naps and need endless diaper changes.

twowoman_twobabies

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Our irrational wedding, part 1: the dress

We are getting married. I have to keep saying it out loud. And not because I’m at a march on the Capitol and people are watching, but because otherwise it might not happen.

Here’s why: It’s irrational. At least it is according to Cardinal George from the Catholic Church. And I agree, if what he means is planning a wedding is irrational. But for now let’s focus on just one part of the whole irrational venture – the dress. Please help me understand why I would spend thousands of dollars on something lovely and uncomfortable that I will wear for a few hours on only one day of my life?

So here is what I’m thinking. I will get a dress made out of toilet paper. For real. It’s been done. This designer, Carol Touchstone, did it using 20 rolls of toilet paper. And think about how rational it is!!

Once you have the dress on you can't move, because it tears, which is totally fine because I can't move in heels anyway.

Once you have the dress on you can’t move, because it tears, which is totally fine because I can’t move in heels anyway.

1. The materials are inexpensive and freely available.

2. I could get even get recycled toilet paper to make it environmentally friendly, although that would double the price and halve the durability.

3. If (and by “if” I mean “when”) I start crying and sweating freely, I could discreetly blot my eyes, nose, armpits or what-have-you with my veil.

4. The guests could borrow some of my train if we run out TP in the bathrooms.

5. And my kids, who are both potty-trained now, would use up the dress in a matter of days after the wedding.

The only down side might be that if too much of the toilet paper gets “borrowed” while I’m at the actual wedding, I’ll be standing around with just a few squares left, which means I will need to select my underwear very wisely. But this is a lesbian wedding, so people will expect women to be running around in lingerie. Maybe not middle-aged women, but I can hire some catering staff who are older than me and who can also wear lingerie, so I won’t be so obvious. And I’m sure my kids will be perfectly happy to wear underwear and toilet paper, because that is pretty much a normal day around our house.

So, good. We have plan for the dress. And it’s rational. Let me make a quick call to Cardinal George so he can stop worrying about this. He will be so relieved!

badpose

Trying to look just like the model, but modeling is way harder than it looks! But this is probably what I’ll look like at the actual wedding.

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