Our irrational wedding, part 1: the dress

We are getting married. I have to keep saying it out loud. And not because I’m at a march on the Capitol and people are watching, but because otherwise it might not happen.

Here’s why: It’s irrational. At least it is according to Cardinal George from the Catholic Church. And I agree, if what he means is planning a wedding is irrational. But for now let’s focus on just one part of the whole irrational venture – the dress. Please help me understand why I would spend thousands of dollars on something lovely and uncomfortable that I will wear for a few hours on only one day of my life?

So here is what I’m thinking. I will get a dress made out of toilet paper. For real. It’s been done. This designer, Carol Touchstone, did it using 20 rolls of toilet paper. And think about how rational it is!!

Once you have the dress on you can't move, because it tears, which is totally fine because I can't move in heels anyway.

Once you have the dress on you can’t move, because it tears, which is totally fine because I can’t move in heels anyway.

1. The materials are inexpensive and freely available.

2. I could get even get recycled toilet paper to make it environmentally friendly, although that would double the price and halve the durability.

3. If (and by “if” I mean “when”) I start crying and sweating freely, I could discreetly blot my eyes, nose, armpits or what-have-you with my veil.

4. The guests could borrow some of my train if we run out TP in the bathrooms.

5. And my kids, who are both potty-trained now, would use up the dress in a matter of days after the wedding.

The only down side might be that if too much of the toilet paper gets “borrowed” while I’m at the actual wedding, I’ll be standing around with just a few squares left, which means I will need to select my underwear very wisely. But this is a lesbian wedding, so people will expect women to be running around in lingerie. Maybe not middle-aged women, but I can hire some catering staff who are older than me and who can also wear lingerie, so I won’t be so obvious. And I’m sure my kids will be perfectly happy to wear underwear and toilet paper, because that is pretty much a normal day around our house.

So, good. We have plan for the dress. And it’s rational. Let me make a quick call to Cardinal George so he can stop worrying about this. He will be so relieved!


Trying to look just like the model, but modeling is way harder than it looks! But this is probably what I’ll look like at the actual wedding.

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© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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