This year, I got together with a friend who got new boobs. And yes, I am being intentionally vague to protect the children that are most likely reading this blog. But here’s the awkward part, I didn’t notice that they were actually new.
I mean, I guess I did, but bras can do amazing things. And I’m pretty sure they could do that. But maybe not. I don’t know. I’m not an expert on this subject. Actually, I do have some fairly specific expertise on this topic. Because I have probably held a few more boobs in my hand than the average American woman. But certainly not nearly as many as a mammography nurse or a lactation consultant. Holy crap, people! I’m not a slut!
Anyhow, back to the new boobs on the old friend. She had to point them out. And it was so awkward that I don’t even really remember how it went down, because I was traumatized by the whole event, and now it is a repressed memory that has re-surfaced just in time for this post. I must be healing.
Her: “Did you notice my implants?”
Me: “Uh, yes. I guess. They look great! Er. Good. Am I allowed to talk about your breasts?”
Her: “Well, I thought you might not have noticed.”
Me: “I noticed they looked a bit bigger, but I was raised by proper Anglophiles, and we don’t talk about people’s breasts. Or bodies, at all. We only discuss napkin rings, vacation homes, concertos and the Royal Family.”
Her: “What do you think? I didn’t want them to be too big.”
Me: “If you like them, I like them.” I wish I would stop saying I like them.
Her: “They’re a B.”
Me: “Nice. And I’m not going to say anything else, because then you’ll probably want me to touch them. That’s how these conversations usually go.”
Her: “Really, this happens to you often?”
Me: “Yes, every week, practically.”
That last part was a total lie, but what else could I say. I needed out. But now that we’re back in. So help! What do you say when your friend gets new boobs? And yes, I checked, this is not in the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” so help me! What are you people good for?
© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.