If you want to feel more gay, get pregnant

When I started this blog more than a year ago, I planned to write about getting pregnant and becoming a gay parent. But that story ended up being a book – a long one. Instead, this blog became a bunch of stuff about being a gay parent.

But, now I have a problem. The more I gay parent, the less gay it seems. These days, it mostly just seems like parenting, unless I kiss Pam in a public place in front of our kids. That still feels pretty gay.

And speaking of kissing people in front of strangers, we should keep doing that because sometimes it can result in national television coverage, which is great promotion for your blog if you happen to be a black, gay NFL football player. And also because people are still surprised if you’re gay and black and a football player all at the same time.

But other people don’t seem to care anymore if you are gay. Or, at least, my dad doesn’t.

“Stop telling people you are gay. No one cares if you are gay. Talk about something that matters, like the sage grouse in Wyoming,” he said.

My dad is a biologist, so his marginalized group is the sage grouse. I understand. They have rights to fight for, namely their own legitimized breeding ground. I can relate. But we are getting off track here.

My original point was about whether or not I’m feeling particularly gay. I’m not.

And as you may have already anticipated, this conversation, which was happening mostly with myself at this point because my dad is sick of talking about being gay, continued in my head. If I wasn’t feeling particularly gay right now, then when did I feel really gay? In 1997.

I was wearing men’s shoes a lot back then, and I had short hair. But then, more than 10 years later, I got pregnant and I felt super gay. I looked really straight, but I felt really gay.

This is me (right) feeling really gay. And my friend Carol (left) also feeling gay, but in the happy meaning of the word.

This is me (right) feeling really gay. And my friend Carol (left) also feeling gay, but only in the happy sense of the word.

There has been no other time in my life when people inquired more about “my husband” or searched my left hand more often for a wedding ring. But I was neither married nor heterosexual. But all of the assumptions started making me feel more self-conscious about being gay. So, I felt more like I needed to announce it to people which, I’m guessing, is around the time when my dad started feeling irritated by my constantly announcing that I was gay.

I suppose the moral of the story is that things have changed. (Is that a moral?) To feel gay, I used to need to look gay. And now it’s the opposite. If I want to feel really gay, I just need to act or look really straight. So next weekend, I’m going to have a spa day with my girlfriends, shave my legs, get my nails done and really gay it up. Just don’t tell my dad.

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© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Writing. It’s a contest. Because this is America.

This is Erma Bombeck. Until about a year ago, I had never heard of her, which is just more evidence that even at middle-age, I have still managed to miss some of the best things in life. But I think there is time to make up for it.

ermabombeck

Erma Bombeck (photo stolen from Wikipedia), who is probably rolling over in her grave because of blogging and picture stealing.

Erma started her career as a “copygirl” in 1942. Today we call this “unpaid social media intern.” Then she went to college and became a columnist for a newspaper. In 1953, she left her job to adopt a daughter and then later gave birth to two sons. After 10 years out of the workforce, she went back to working at a newspaper writing columns for $3 each. Today, we call this “mommy blogging” and you don’t even get $3. But you can win new friends, some of which provide you with at least a $1 of self-worth. And sometimes, a lot more.

I was first introduced to Erma, when one of my friends said that I could be the modern-day lesbian Erma Bombeck. At first I was a little horrified, because of well, her hair. But then I realized that I was being a judgy female stereotype. So I stopped hating Erma for her hair, and that’s when I found out that she was active in the passage of the Equal Rights Amendment, which made me like her more. And she is funny (more like). And she adopted a child (super like), so aside from the fact that she was married to a man, she would have made a great lesbian Erma Bombeck.

And now I’m going to try to become her. Not in a creepy steal her identity, The-Talented-Mr.-Ripley sort of way, but I’m going to try to write something just like her.

In January, there is a writing contest where I plan to win $500 and free registration to Erma Bombeck Writing Workshop. All I need to do is write an essay just like Erma to win un-sponsored passage to Ohio, which for just a minute I had confused with Iowa, a state that passed a gay marriage law four years ago.

Why does this matter? Because I thought I might be able to get gay married and go to a writing workshop all at the same time, which would be a dream coming true that I never knew was a dream prior to now. And that’s the best kind of dream. Except that there is no gay marriage law in Ohio, and I need to beat more than 500 other writers to win free registration to the workshop.

Wish me luck. And join me for some friendly competition, but just know that I already hate your hair.

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!

Erma Bombeck Writing Competition  

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 © Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

A short family history, in case you have questions

If you are wondering how exactly things got this way, here is a diagram. Or if you are not a big reader. Or if you had questions, but you were too afraid to ask. Or you are just catching up. Or you just “don’t get it.” I’ve tried to simplify it as best as possible. Here is what has happened in the last few years.

gay family

I hate how fat I look in a couple of those shots. And if you have questions, feel free to ask. You won’t be the first. But you might need to buy me a drink. Or at least invite me to a cocktail party, first.

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PS – here we are in non-stick form:

familyphoto

 

© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

We’re not gay enough or something. So maybe I’ll just punch myself in the head.

I got a phone call on Monday from a guy named Andrew which is awesome, because I love phone calls. Andrew is the casting producer for Punched in the Head Productions, a film company that makes “not-so-serious” productions. This phone call was even better than I expected, because he wasn’t actually planning on punching me in the head, which is good because that would be serious, and these folks are supposed to be “not-so-serious.” And I’m not-so-serious, so I knew Andrew and I would hit it off.

Andrew was trolling the internet looking for LGBT families to cast on a new show on Bravo, and he found my blog. So he called me. And it was great. Except that the show he is casting for is called “Bravo’s Extreme Guide to Parenting,” and we couldn’t come up with anything extreme about my family. Maybe that was extremely lazy of us, but not lazy enough to be on TV. And we talked a little bit about how gay my family is, but it’s not THAT gay. I’m not sure what that means, but being gay and having two kids is no longer extreme, so that was great news. And I won’t have to wash my hair and lose 50 pounds, so I’ll look good on TV. So that’s a big relief. And now I’ve got a new friend on Facebook, which is always awesome! And he’s in a relationship with someone named Gilbert, which gets extra bonus points in my book because that’s kind of gay and because his boyfriend’s name is Gilbert.

So, if you live in a cave with your bisexual, transgendered lover and your triplets that you are raising to be Evangelical Muslims, while you wear nothing but fur and hunt for your own food using weapons recreated from The Hunger Games movie, then you might want to give Andrew a call. He’s looking for you.

Andrew Hecht
917-838-3571

punchedinhead

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© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

What does it mean? The name. Does it really involve Mexicans?

Yes, it does. And now I will explain what the name of this blog means for the millions out there who are reading this, because who wouldn’t want to read about a gay, inter-racial couple having babies. And since a picture is worth a thousand words, here is the picture.

7LM text

And there is a bit more to the story, as I’m sure you can imagine, but this is the internet and I know you are busy. So, if you want the long story, you’ll need to wait for the book. But it you want the short story, it’s in the next paragraph.

We wanted to have a baby. We didn’t have any sperm. (Boohoo!) So we bought some. Doctors put it in me. It didn’t work. So, doctors took the my eggs out of me and put them in a dish. Then, they added the sperm we bought. The sperm was part Mexican. It fertilized seven of the eggs. The end.

Oh, but then I decided to write this blog about it. Making the Mexicans, I mean, and living with two of them, so I needed a URL. There were not that many available because there are a gazillion moms blogging about their children, but not their Mexicans, but whatever. Mommy blogging is a great, unpaid profession so lots of people are doing it.  But I digress. I picked sevenlittlemexicans.com because the following URLs were unavailable: awkwardconversations.com, endlessdiapers.com, upseventimesanight.com. Or maybe that last one was too long, along with makingbabiesthehardway.com.

Anyhow, that’s how we got here. Any questions?

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© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

It’s Monday. Time for some Gay Agenda items.

Today’s gay agenda is pretty long and pretty hardcore. In case you’re unaware or were not following the Conservative Christians closely enough in the 90s, this term was invented by such people to describe the acceptance and normalization of homosexuality. Yes, I’m for it! Except that they are against it. But whatever, let’s discuss. Here is my gay agenda for today.

1. Get out of bed. That was kind of hard. I stayed up late a lot this weekend, so that makes it difficult to get up on Monday.

2. Blogging. This is it. Hope you find it to be everything that you hoped for. But let’s remember that we’re looking for activities that are morally reprehensible. And so far, I think the Christians might be OK with this agenda, except for the blogging, possibly. But I’m guessing they are in favor of getting out of bed, ESPECIALLY if you’re getting out of a bed that contains a woman.

3. Eat breakfast, get dressed, get the children dressed, make bed, tidy up house a little, forget my keys, come back for my keys, forget tampons, come back for tampons. All of these things happen at the same time, so they are really just one agenda item.

4. Go and get a mammogram, while spending most of my time on my iPhone answering work  e-mail and catching up on all the puppy pictures that I might have missed on Buzzfeed overnight. Then, hold my breath while my breasts are pressed between two large pieces of Plexiglas and manipulated gently by a soft spoken woman with cold fingertips.

5. Go to work. Answer e-mail. Make PowerPoint presentations. Help people get their job done. Eat broccoli and broiled chicken for lunch with a Diet Coke, generously supplied by my employer. Talk on the phone. Delete some e-mail. And leave at 4:45 sharp to pick my two children up from day care.

6. Make dinner. Watch the kids not eat dinner. Try to insist that they eat dinner. Give up. Watch Team Umizoomi. Read Dora’s Rainy Day (again!) to Marlo and then sing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star to her while I turn off the lights and close the door to her room. Repeat the same process with Wynn, but substitute the story about the Little Mermaid, no song and no closing of the door.

7. Go downstairs to our bedroom. Collapse next to Pam. Discuss birthday invitations, weird happenings of the day, check e-mail. Then get up, go next door and pick up Wynn’s birthday bike, which is hiding out in our neighbor’s basement. Decorate it. I have no idea how I’m going to do this, so suggestions welcome. And then go upstairs for more collapsing on the bed. And sing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star to myself before I fall asleep.

Now I realize that this post did contain a few controversial subjects. Breasts, for one. Always controversial. And tampons. Not as controversial, but at some point I’m guessing there were at least a few people opposed to those, even though they have been around for thousands of years.

So feel free to point out anything that might be morally corrupt in this e-mail. Oh, and don’t forget the suggestions about how to wrap up a bike as a birthday present. I’m all ears. But in the meantime, here’s a picture of the birthday girl (Wynn).

birthday girl

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© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Another bundle of joy is on it’s way: A book, people, it’s a book

I am mostly in the process of writing a book about our experience becoming parents. This was part of the reason for this blog. (I find it easier to blog than write books, so it’s kind of a warm-up.)

I used to think of this book as something that I wanted to do, and something that I should do. Now, I see it as inevitable. This happened just about two weeks ago — the inevitable part. Why? I’m not sure, but it went something like this.

My old thoughts about this: I want to write a book. I’ve always wanted to. I should write a book about being lesbian parents. It might be helpful to people. But what should I say? Would anyone care? I’m not sure I can do it. Maybe it would suck. That would be embarrassing. I might look stupid. People might make fun of me. People would judge me.

And now I am sure that all those things WILL happen. People will judge me. Parts of it will suck. And a lot of people won’t care. And it might help some people. So bring it! I’m looking forward to that part, but it doesn’t feel that important anymore.

My new thoughts about this: I am writing a book. I have to. It will allow me to make sense of this experience and heal. I need to say this story out loud. I want to laugh about it and cry about it because it’s hilarious and tragic. And it does have a happy ending, after all. And I do care what you think about it. But mostly I care what I think about it.

So we all have that to look forward to, I suppose. And our wedding, which fills me with an overwhelming sense of dread to think about planning it. But it will be worth it. So, this is all just a Friday note to say, stick around, there are some really cool things coming. A gay wedding for one. And a book about parenting. And if you asked me 20 years ago, what I would be doing right now, I would have slapped you for suggesting that it would be this. But you just never know how things are going to turn out.

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whole family

 

© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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