Look for me, I’ll be dressed as a lesbian.

It’s Halloween. You probably noticed. And in case you’re wondering, I will be dressed up as a lesbian. And I’ll be hanging out with a cross-dressing Mickey Mouse and a Rock Star Ariel – because a regular, old princess mermaid just doesn’t cut it these days. My lovely spouse will be joining us, and I believe she will also be dressed as a lesbian. A warmly dressed one, undoubtedly.

I think we’ll make a great crew. And if it works out, maybe we’ll start a girl band. Feel free to suggest some band names in the comments.

And this brings me to my next point. How do you dress as a lesbian for Halloween? Let me tell you, because I learned this in high school French class from a very pretty, popular girl who was sitting behind me. Let’s call her T.

Me: What are you going to dress up as for Halloween?

T: A lesbian.

Me: Oh, how are you going to do that?

T: I’m going to wear a tight black leotard and cover myself with lipstick kisses.

Me: Wow. Hmmm.

Here is a life-size reproduction of what this probably looked like:

mani-tard

And it’s a bit awkward, because the only thing more uncomfortable than wearing a leotard in public is wearing a leotard in public while propagating your own made-up stereotype about lesbians. That and she is practically an adult going Trick-or-Treating with an jack-o-lantern candy bucket.

But, THIS CHICK IS GORGEOUS! And covered in kisses. So now you know why I turned gay.

Happy Halloween!

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© Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Ann Gilbert and Seven Little Mexicans with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

When picking a profession, don’t let reality interfere

My daughter wants to be a fairy when she grows up. I found this out a few weeks ago, when she was the star-of-the-week at her school and I asked her a short set of interview questions that, frankly, I wouldn’t really have thought to ask before such as: What is your favorite food? Spaghetti. And what is your favorite color? Green (good girl!).

She dressed up as a fairy for Halloween, so I should have known that she had already set her career aspirations on the magical arts. Having a background in science, and sometimes being logical, my first thought was “but fairies aren’t real.” Then I realized, that doesn’t matter, because life is all a grand illusion. Have you learned nothing from studying Buddhism?

So, I have been contemplating what it would mean to become a fairy. There are the obvious benefits. First, flying. I can definitely see the appeal. If someone is annoying you or you need to get somewhere in a hurry. Bzzzzzzzz. You’re off. And you basically have a built-in blanket. At least it seems that fairy wings are warm given how the little creatures wrap themselves up when they go to sleep on a leaf or a flower petal. And it’s a good thing too, because they are always dressed in a bathing suit with ankle boots.

But what, exactly is a fairy’s job? They seem very busy sprinkling dust that makes flowers grow and forest creatures wake up and sneeze. Productive fairies appear to be in charge of all botanic life. That is a huge job considering it’s the food and oxygen source for every living creature on the planet. Are there ocean fairies? Sprites? Without fairies, the grass and trees wouldn’t grow, seasons wouldn’t change, and there wouldn’t be someone buzzing around your head giving you thoughtful advice in a tiny, high voice. So fairies are, essentially, environmentalists.

So, I can see how she came to this conclusion of wanting to be a fairy. She does want to be just like her moms. My spouse is a botanist. And I am always busy trying to control everything on earth and buzzing around peoples’ heads. I don’t often wear a bathing suit, but I have been seen in ankle boots on occasion. So now all we need to get is a good set of wings.

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