I’m not going to the wedding. And no, it’s not because I’m gay.

A friend that I adore is getting married in two weeks. (Holy shit, it’s in two weeks!) But I’m not going to the wedding. I went to the bacherolette party, as you might recall. Except that you might not, because I think the whole post may have been overshadowed by my coming out as a strap-on dildo owner.

But after the party, I was torturing myself about whether or not to go to the wedding, because it’s hard for me to leave the house. Literally. I have children. And my parenting is only 50% good, so it takes two of us to make this thing work. And when one of us goes away, like we’ve each been doing a lot this summer, then the whole thing works half as well. And the strap-on dildos start complaining about EVERYTHING, because they are lonely. And the kids don’t like it much either. And the dog does not get walked.

So, I wanted to write this post to publicly explain myself, because I’m gay, and I’m defensive. And I just want to be sure that everyone knows that I’m not going to this wedding because I’m LAZY, and NOT because I’m resentful that I can’t get fully, legally married. Or that straight people make me uncomfortable. Some of my best friends are straight. For real.

s-and-e

But I don’t call them straight to their face: “This is Lisa,* my straight friend.” Because that would be awkward for her. But I do like to ask them if they know other straight people that I know. And if they are single, I always try to introduce them to my other straight friends, so they can hook up. Because I don’t want them to be lonely, like my dildos.

So this is just all to say that I won’t be at THE wedding. But I hope you’ll still come to my wedding next September, friend (the straight one). But if you don’t come, I’ll understand, because some of my best friends are straight, after all.

*Names have been changed to protect anonymity

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I love my dog, but not like that

I would be remiss to leave the discussion about dogs without mentioning that every once in a while someone asks me if I want to marry one. Now, fortunately, this doesn’t happen much anymore, because thanks to the on-going, public debate about gay marriage, people are beginning to realize that gay people want to marry other people, not animals.

But let’s go back there for just a minute. Back to the water-colored memories of sitting in a bar on a Friday afternoon having a really awkward conversation with one of Pam’s former co-workers. And, as usual, it starts something like this.

“If we let gay people get married, then where do we draw the line? Do we let people marry their pets?”

In case you don’t have time to read this entire post, let me give you the straight-forward answer. We draw the line at people.

I know it’s confusing. There are people, and then there are animals. And some animals are pretty great. Really great. We love them so much. I love them so much. But I don’t want to marry them. I really, really loved our dog Kitty Butler. She even had a gay name, but I still didn’t want to marry her.

So when someone asks this question: “If we let gay people marry, where do we draw the line blah, blah, blah?”

My first thought is usually, do you have any pets? Because I do and they would make a terrible spouse. Please, allow me to elaborate.

1. My dog does not have a job. I want to marry up, people. Or at least marry someone who can pull their weight around the house. Every dog I have ever owned sits around all day, mostly sleeping, and then acts irritated when I bother them. Now I realize that this might make them seem like a spouse. But they are not watching TV or drinking beer. They are an animal. You can tell if you look at their butt. They have a tail or usually the remnants of one. But I digress.

2. My dog does not sleep in my bed. Oooops. Nevermind. Skip that argument.

3. I do not want to have sex with my dog. That’s it. I know some people do. In fact, the other day, while walking our dog, this homeless guy hit on my dog. He walked up to us, started acting flirtatious (I think that’s what he was doing… or he had an eye tick) and said, “Hey baby, I have all my vaccinations.” As a responsible pet owner, I think it is my job to protect my dog from people who want to have sex with her, so we ignored him and kept walking. And that’s all I’m going to say on this topic, because this is not that kind of web site, and I’m not that kind of girl, even though I’m gay, and I know that’s confusing.

4. My dog sucks at heart-felt conversation. She can’t talk. She can only groan or bark. Neither of these verbalizations make me feel loved or cared for in the way that I truly desire. I do not feel truly heard when I talk to my dog. Unless I say “Do you want your dinner?” or “Do you want to go for a walk?” Then, I have her full attention. But this also just makes me feel used.

5. We are not equals (me and my dog). Man and woman. Woman and woman. Man and man. Intersex, hermaphrodites and any of the previously mentioned. No matter the combination, I believe a marriage should be the joining of equals. Please note I didn’t say fair. But equal. And maybe I’m an animal racist jerk, but my dog is not my equal. I have thumbs. She does not. I read books. She can catch a squirrel with her bare hands. Ooops, I mean teeth. Well, maybe that makes us equally cool. But I think we would be hard-pressed to say that she has the same potential that I have. See heart-felt conversation above. I’m still holding out hope that I’ll be really good at that. I don’t think she ever will be.

So I hope that clears it up. Gay people want to marry other gay people. Or hey, if gay people want to marry straight people, that’s fine, too. You can double the size of your wardrobe and you can share a locker at the gym to save money. That alone, should make it more appealing than straight marriage. But you would not be able to do these things with your dog. So don’t marry him.

P.S. Still no medical records.

2beans

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