Today’s gay agenda is pretty long and pretty hardcore. In case you’re unaware or were not following the Conservative Christians closely enough in the 90s, this term was invented by such people to describe the acceptance and normalization of homosexuality. Yes, I’m for it! Except that they are against it. But whatever, let’s discuss. Here is my gay agenda for today.
1. Get out of bed. That was kind of hard. I stayed up late a lot this weekend, so that makes it difficult to get up on Monday.
2. Blogging. This is it. Hope you find it to be everything that you hoped for. But let’s remember that we’re looking for activities that are morally reprehensible. And so far, I think the Christians might be OK with this agenda, except for the blogging, possibly. But I’m guessing they are in favor of getting out of bed, ESPECIALLY if you’re getting out of a bed that contains a woman.
3. Eat breakfast, get dressed, get the children dressed, make bed, tidy up house a little, forget my keys, come back for my keys, forget tampons, come back for tampons. All of these things happen at the same time, so they are really just one agenda item.
4. Go and get a mammogram, while spending most of my time on my iPhone answering work e-mail and catching up on all the puppy pictures that I might have missed on Buzzfeed overnight. Then, hold my breath while my breasts are pressed between two large pieces of Plexiglas and manipulated gently by a soft spoken woman with cold fingertips.
5. Go to work. Answer e-mail. Make PowerPoint presentations. Help people get their job done. Eat broccoli and broiled chicken for lunch with a Diet Coke, generously supplied by my employer. Talk on the phone. Delete some e-mail. And leave at 4:45 sharp to pick my two children up from day care.
6. Make dinner. Watch the kids not eat dinner. Try to insist that they eat dinner. Give up. Watch Team Umizoomi. Read Dora’s Rainy Day (again!) to Marlo and then sing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star to her while I turn off the lights and close the door to her room. Repeat the same process with Wynn, but substitute the story about the Little Mermaid, no song and no closing of the door.
7. Go downstairs to our bedroom. Collapse next to Pam. Discuss birthday invitations, weird happenings of the day, check e-mail. Then get up, go next door and pick up Wynn’s birthday bike, which is hiding out in our neighbor’s basement. Decorate it. I have no idea how I’m going to do this, so suggestions welcome. And then go upstairs for more collapsing on the bed. And sing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star to myself before I fall asleep.
Now I realize that this post did contain a few controversial subjects. Breasts, for one. Always controversial. And tampons. Not as controversial, but at some point I’m guessing there were at least a few people opposed to those, even though they have been around for thousands of years.
So feel free to point out anything that might be morally corrupt in this e-mail. Oh, and don’t forget the suggestions about how to wrap up a bike as a birthday present. I’m all ears. But in the meantime, here’s a picture of the birthday girl (Wynn).
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