What does a threatening letter and $2.72 in postage buy you? Spoiler alert: a tall stack of lab orders

I got my medical records. And by that I mean I got a big stack of test results from the lab. But let’s get to the good news first. There were a few pages that I could actually read. One said I had a baby. She was a girl. Delivered vaginally. I remember this part. And if I forget, I know I can just go to her bedroom and have a look at her. So good job, me! One part of the whole fertility treatment experience makes total sense.

The other good news is that I do not have HIV-1, HTLV-1, HIV-2, HIV-1 NAT, Hepatitus, Chlamydia NAT, N. gonorrhoeae NAT, HIV-2 NAT, HEPATITIS BcAb, CMV NAT, HTLV-I/II NAT, HSV-I/II, Hepatitis, HCV NAT, Syphilis. I know. I’m bragging.

And who knew that nats were such a problem? I knew those things were annoying but I had no idea that they were involved in all of these social diseases. Oh never mind, those are gnats, and this is NAT. Now I’m confused (again). And I’m also wondering what the difference is between yelling HEPATITUS and not yelling Hepatitus. Fortunately, I have neither, so let’s just move on.

So here we are. Medical records in hand. Clarity and fond memories on the horizon. And one important lesson under our belt. If you don’t get what you want the first time, ask again, nicely. And if that doesn’t work, yell “LAWYER!” Because that works. And if it doesn’t maybe you can try “HEPATITUS!” and see what happens. Good luck.


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